Tag Archives: friends

You Can Pick Your Nose And You Can Pick Your Friends

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My son does not have problems making friends.  He can quickly adapt to new social settings and engage with kids of various ages with relative ease.

He falls into the “extrovert” category.

So, my challenge as a parent is to help him navigate his relationships and focus on those which are the most positive and do not lead to trouble.  And in his last “pre-teen” year, the importance of helping him exercise judgement in this arena becomes even more critical as his independence increases.

Photo Credit: HA! Designs - Artbyheather Flickr via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: HA! Designs – Artbyheather Flickr via Compfight cc

Think about your kids and their friends.  Are there some friends who make your kids hyper and abandon good judgement?  Are there some friends who bring out your kids’ creativity?  Are there some friends who have shared brokenness at home and can be a reminder to your kids that they are not alone?

It seems a key to helping them internally process this (rather than simply lecturing them) is to help them know themselves and have a solid grasp of their identity.  I’ve used the line “your behavior is a reflection on me” a time or two, but I do not think it has the same impact as asking them how they view themselves, how they want others to view them, what kind of work ethic they want to develop, and how they treat adults and members of the opposite sex.

Then, in a completely agnostic way, ask them how they and others view specific friends.  Let them do their own processing and do not do it for them.  Do not correct them, just ask questions.

“How does Johnny treat the teachers and lunchroom monitors?”

“How does Jane act around her parents?  Does she talk back?”

“Does Sally play well on teams or does she distract others?”

At twelve, my son has a good sense of himself, but often comes into conflict with wanting to pal around with the “fun” crowd who draw him closer to the line than he knows he should go.  Those who regularly say the words he is not allowed to say at home.  Those who do not respect their parents, but are very funny and have the best jokes.

You and I have friends in many different categories.  We know the ones we need to limit and those who make us better people – knowledge derived from mistakes and experience.  We need to give our kids the tools and grounding in who they are/want to be early so they make fewer mistakes.

Does your kid have a good friend who both you and they know are not always the best influence?  How do you handle the situation?

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

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Parenting is about expecting the unexpected.  Single parenting is about preparing for the unexpected.

If you’re like me, your ex-wife isn’t physically in the picture – mine lives a few hours away by plane.  You may or may not have family near by (my parents and sister live about two hours away).

So, what do you do when something comes up and your kid is not old enough to stay home alone?  That is when you tap in to your team.

Photo Credit: Warren Chrismas via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Warren Chrismas via Compfight cc

CANDIDATES FOR YOUR TEAM

  • Family – Grandparents, parents, sibilings, aunts, cousins…you get the idea.  I have had to call my parents a few times and had them drive for a few hours to watch my son when he was sick and I had a meeting to go to.  It was not ideal, but my guess is your family wants to be supportive and you just need to ask.
  • Friends – This is a broad category and should be broken down so you can better identify who is a candidate for your network.
  • Other single dads/parents – Chances are good you have several single parents in your kid’s class/grade.  In fact, several of their close friends probably have single parents with either joint or full custody.  Some may or may not work or have non-traditional work hours (firefighters).  Single parents get it and are ususally quick to help if they can (and you should be quick to help them when they need it).
  • Retired friends – You have met these folks through your church, civic organizations, or in your neighborhood.
  • The rest – These are your married friends, neighbors, and anyone else in your circle.
  • Babysitters – It is essential to have a few babysitters for those evening events you need someone to watch your kid.  Ask teachers, other parents, college students, people at your church, and people at work for names of their sitters (they may not want to share if they have a reliable sitter).  If it is a college student, there is a chance they could be available during the day if their class schedule and work schedule allows.
  • Businesses –  From day-care organizations to certain kid-oriented businesses, you may have entities who will take your money in exchange for watching your kid.  Where I live, we have a few places willing to watch your kid (and wear them out) while you take care of that errand or meeting.  Not every bounce-house playground, trampoline gym or activity center will allow you to leave, but ask and find out which ones will.

HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR TEAM

  1. Write down the name and contact information for each person you come up with in each of the above categories.
  2. Be liberal.  Write down every possibility – even if you’re not sure they would be willing or able to help out.
  3. Reach out to every person on your list and ask them if they would be willing to lend a hand.  Let them know this is not for casual use, but instead for times when you really need help.
  4. After you have made your calls, rank your list based on who you feel most comfortable calling and who is generally available.
  5. Put your list into a document or spreadsheet and use it.

Remember, people want you to succeed as a single-dad and instinctively know you need help sometimes.  Let them help and do not hesitate to ask.  I remember how difficult it was to dial the phone and ask a friend to come over and watch my son while I went to a meeting – my pride was getting in the way of allowing someone to help me who had offered to do so.

I still wrestle with asking for help, at times, thinking I should be able to do this all on my own.  But then I remember the team of people around me who want to help and who I help back.

Do you already have a team or network?  What have you learned about asking for help?