My son returned from his extended visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Frans Persoon via Compfight cc

At his age (almost 11), the changes taking place physically, emotionally, and relationally over a period of two months can be considerable.  He developed in every one of those areas!

Watching him walk down the jet bridge toward me, with the massive plastic ticket holder reserved for unaccompanied minors dangling from his neck, I could see he had grown a little in both stature and confidence.  This was the third time he flew across country alone, and he took pride in the accomplishment.

After the hug with him and my John Hancock on the airlines’ paperwork for minors, we were off.  He immediately began discussing some major topics from his summer with my ex and told some great stories about fishing, surfing, and adventures with new friends.

Overall, our reunion could not have gone better.  But, I have also experienced more difficult reunions…especially right after the divorce.

You may have residential custody and similar, extended times away from your kid.  Or you may have joint custody in a 5-2-2-5 type format.  Whatever the circumstance, the reunions can be unpredictable.

So, what can we do as single dads to reinforce positive reunions and calm the storm of the difficult ones?

• Allow your kids to safely experience emotions.  Maybe your kids had a great time with your ex.  If they do not believe they can safely share this with you, they will build a wall to “protect” you from this knowledge.  Let them know they can honestly share how they feel during this transfer of custody.  Be a stable, affirming, understanding, and safe person for them to talk to – it is not a time for jealousy or negativity.
• Ask questions, but do not dig for information.  As much as we would like to know how our exes parented our kids during their parenting time, do not put them in the position of answering those questions during the custodial swap.  Ask questions about them, their activities, their friends, and what they enjoyed.  Often, kids will share experiences about parenting or challenging times during separation from you when they have settled back in with you.
• Do not fall into the trap of trying to be the “better” or “cooler” parent.  If you are the primary residential parent, focus on re-establishing routine and the security of your kids being at home.  Maybe they had the chance to go to Disneyland with your ex…or they went on a cool trip.  Instead of trying to one-up your ex with an even more expensive trip, simply ask your kids about the experience and let them see you enjoy the fact they had a great experience.  Parenting will become less about competition and more about parenting.  And your kids will notice.

What experiences, positive and negative, have you had when your kids return home from visitation with your ex?  What advice would you give other single dads?