Divorce leads kids to ask a ton of questions.  How we answer has dramatic implications for everyone involved.

Depending on the age, these questions can range from innocent fact-gathering to downright prying.  I have gotten questions ranging from:

“Why are you and mom getting a divorce?”

“Why can’t you and mom stay married?”

“Why do I live with you most of the time?”

“Do you hate mom?”

Prior to the divorce, my ex and I separated.  During that time, my son asked a lot of questions…not unlike those listed above.  My objective – based on counseling from professionals, ministers, and friends – was to never make a negative comment or use a negative/sarcastic tone of voice when speaking about his mom.

My answers to his questions were general and somewhat wordy.  I consistently reminded him the separation (and later divorce) was not his fault.  I never felt like I was communicating clearly and sometimes begged more questions.

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I asked professionals for some additional input.  Here’s what I got: “Be a broken record.  Memorize a script and say it every time you get asked a question about the divorce or the custody situation.”

To this day, over four years after receiving residential custody, I use that script. “Your mom and I both love you very much.  You are not the reason we got a divorce.”  There are a few more lines in the script related to our specific residential custody situation, but you get the idea.

Find your words and stick to them.  If you are able to reassure your kids that both you and their mom loves them, do so.

My son isn’t quite to double-digits in age.  I know he’s going to continue to mature and ask questions.  I will continue to seek advice on how to answer at an age-appropriate level.  At the end of the day, the words coming from my mouth need to foster and preserve relationship and not tear it down.

What is your script?  What have you learned about answering your kids’ questions?