Tag Archives: parenting

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Thrive

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I love zombie shows.

As a teen I watched George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie.  I was hooked.

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Something about those stories connect with me.  I do not subscribe to the notion of a coming zombie apocalypse, I am not a prepper, and I do not have a stockpile of crossbows, guns and knives.

But I connect with the raw notion of survival.  Preservation of life.  My life.  And my kid’s life.

Sticking with the post-apocalyptic theme, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road tells a powerful tale of a father’s deep drive to protect his son.  Survival.

Life as a single dad triggers the survival gene.  We want to protect our kids, and we also want to survive the sometimes-overwhelming experience.

I have a mentoring relationship with a tremendous man of faith and encouragement.  During one of our meetings, he declared to me his desire to see me thrive.  The word hung in the air.  Thrive.

Thrive: grow or develop well, prosper, flourish.

It had been easy for me to accept words of consolation for single parenting.  I let those words put me in a mindset of survival.

My mentor called me to thrive.

The late Maya Angelou said this: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”  Parenting – single or not – takes each of those…especially humor.

How do we pivot from surviving to thriving?

Do not live in fear.  Instead teach our kids about growing up, about what it means to be a man or woman, about responsibility, and about making smart choices.  I know I have made enough mistakes to teach and impart wisdom from experience.

Take the time to reflect on your parenting style – do you operate out of survival?  Do you consider the day a success if you did not experience any casualties – even if no one is growing or flourishing?  Sometimes we parent just to get to the next safe harbor and wait for the zombies to catch up with us.

I have been there.  More times than I want to admit.

So, today, I remind you and me to inject some passion, some humor, and some grace into our parenting.   Let’s thrive!

What parts of parenting feel more like surviving than thriving?

“Ts” of Single Fatherhood – Thanks

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I stood there in the climbing harness, unable to get comfortable despite the constant adjusting.  The crisp mountain air felt great and almost made me forget the discomfort.

I looked up at the obstacle course at Flagstaff Extreme and honestly thought the wire lines did not look very high, at least compared to what I anticipated.

I dominated the instruction/demo course which sat a full four feet above the ground.  Bring on the real deal.

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Lesson learned.  Looking up at a wire or obstacle 25 feet from the ground could not compare with looking down at the ground from 25 feet.  I had some serious puckering going on up there.

We all know the power of perspective.  A slightly different angle.  A differing opinion.  The wisdom of an elder.  A pair of glasses.  Each can completely change what we see.

Take a moment to forget the cooking, the laundry, the bills, the toys on the ground, the crying, the dirty shoes, the glitter, the homework, the little league team, the Wiggles, and the Lego you just stepped on.

Take a moment to adjust your perspective and express thanks you can call yourself “dad”.

Tell your kids “thanks” for something they did no matter how small.

Incorporate “thanks” (or gratitude or gratefulness…whichever resonates with you) for fatherhood and your kids into your prayers, your conversations, and your thoughts – especially when chaos reigns.

When you have those “pucker” moments with your kids, just remember to be thankful you have the privilege of being a dad.  It may help you be a better one.  And I, for one, could use the help sometimes.

 

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Therapy

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In the early days of original programming on Comedy Central, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist told the story of a neurotic therapist, his neurotic son, and lots of guest stars with multiple neuroses.

Way before Dr. Katz was the old-school Bob Newhart Show full of great characters and stories from the therapist’s couch way beyond my comprehension.

Even Tony Soprano went to a psychiatrist and the show got all Freudian on us at times.

Photo Credit: Spiterman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Spiterman via Compfight cc

Well, put all those characters, generalizations, and preconceived notions of therapy aside and consider the following – as a single dad, some kind of therapy may be in your future!

Given your position in life, you may have already been to a counselor for something associated with the departure of your kids’ mother whether it came from death, divorce or separation. And you probably did not see anyone quite like Dr. Katz.

Instead, you probably saw a licensed therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who helped you process things – like emotions – many guys struggle with. You might have also gotten some tools to help you deal with those emotions and gotten some real value out of your investment of time. While I have not finished the book yet, you should check out Donald Miller’s new book, “Scary Close” which explores these issues – what I have read so far is excellent.

For our kids, therapy can have great value. Maybe a therapist gives you tools to help you play with, talk to, relate to, or better nurture your kids. Maybe a therapist can serve as the trusted person your kid can talk to about the loss they experience. Maybe a psychiatrist can assist in dealing with neurological/biological issues affecting your kid’s mental health.

In short, we have many tools at our disposal as single dads, and these professionals can, and often should, play a part in our lives. If you have already seen one, you know the value quality therapy delivers.

If you have not, consider going to one specializing in family/children to do nothing more than check in and talk about your single parenting experience and some of your concerns and frustrations. You might get some of those parenting tools, enhance your effectiveness, and bring greater emotional health to you and the kiddos.

If you do not know where to find one, ask another single parent, your attorney, or a leader at your church.

In short, do not let preconceived notions keep you from utilizing a potentially powerful tool to improve your parenting and your kids’ emotional health.

What was the most effective or impactful parenting tool or lesson you got from a therapist?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Trust

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I heard a story about a father and daughter visiting the Grand Canyon and walking along one of the trails. One narrow stretch of dirt pathway appeared quite treacherous and the father got a little scared. He asked his daughter to hold his hand for safety.

Photo Credit: Jim Boswell via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Jim Boswell via Compfight cc

The daughter replied, “No, you hold my hand.”

Puzzled, the father asked what the difference was.

The daughter replied, “If I hold your hand, I might let go if something goes wrong. If you hold my hand, I know you’ll never let go.”

First, let me apologize for using a sappy story. I will try not to do it again.

Second, let’s talk about trust in our relationship with our kids. When death, divorce or separation has brought them into a predominately single-parent world, trust can be tenuous. Can dad be trusted or is the world now an untrustworthy place? Will my questions be answered honestly or will dad lie to make everything seem better?

Your kids may be asking slightly different questions, but at the core, they want to know if they can trust your words, your presence, and your commitment.

The little girl in the story viewed handholding as a relational bond, not a physical one.

So, how do we foster a trusting environment with our kids? Think about these ideas:

I DO WHAT I SAY: My son (and I suspect your kids) holds my feet to the fire when it comes to consistency and follow through. Ever tell your kid if they do a chore you will take them to QuickTrip for a treat? Nano seconds after they complete the task, they are all over you about when you will take them. Am I right?

Ever threaten your kid with punishment for some minor infraction (mainly because you are frustrated and tired) and then not actually invoke the consequence? Your kid will remember your threats can be idle. Trust is diminished.

Be slow to speak and be thoughtful, because your words need to match your actions. Trust will increase when your words hold true. If, for some reason,, you cannot follow through, take the time to offer an explanation…and honest explanation…so trust will not erode.

I SAY WHAT I DO: Kids have amazing imaginations. So, if you allow them room to create their own narrative for words or facts you leave out of an explanation, they will come up with some amazing (and potentially harmful) stories. Kind of like a bad game of parenting Mad Libs, except not as funny and possibly harmful to your relationship.

My son pretty consistently asked me if I was dating anyone. In fact, we were driving back from visiting my parents one day, and he informed me I could get a girlfriend simply by providing some pertinent information to eHarmony.com. He was seven at the time and, frankly, my dating life was not any of his business. But, he cared enough to ask and deserved an appropriate answer. I gave him an honest answer he could understand at his age, and he was not forced to make up his own narrative about my dating life.

Uncertainly and mystery do not foster trust. Give age-appropriate or situation-appropriate explanations, but do not force your kids to create their own explanations when you could otherwise build trust.  So, like the girl in the sappy story suggested, lean in to your relationship and strengthen the bond with your kids.

Name a time you have threatened a punishment and not followed through. What were the consequences? Also, share a question your kids asked and you did not want to give an answer.

Lots Of “New” For 2015

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Thank you for indulging me during an extended break from the blog.  My December got away from me with my wedding and merging households, the holidays, and mentally preparing for…going back to work.

I am thankful for my new wife, three new stepsons, new traditions, new in-laws and family, and even the new challenges.

With all the “new,” I still want to offer what I can to single dads.  So, after a brief sabbatical, it is back to the keyboard and MailChimp.  I hope you will continue to benefit from these posts and I look forward to introducing you to some new voices in the coming months.

I want to leave you with something substantive in this post, and again it is from one of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Tim Elmore.  As we venture into 2015, with or without resolutions, we need to approach life as single fathers with intentionality – and this post from Dr. Elmore gives great guidance to do just that.

 

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Touch

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In a split second, happiness turned into agony.

My son’s foot found the family jewels during a run-of-the-mill wrestling match.  It was not the first time and certainly will not be the last.

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

I call a time-out and roll to the edge of the living room and curl up like a baby.  A few deep breaths and before I know it, my son is giving me a hug and apologizing.  Only a few words are needed to reassure him I will be OK and know it was an accident.  I shake it off and get back in the ring.

Sound familiar?  Why do kids find the most vulnerable parts of our bodies to accidentally hit, kick, and poke?  Why do we subject ourselves to non-accidental hitting, kicking and poking (also known as roughhousing)?

Bonding.  Not much different than a hug, kiss or reassuring touch.

My son loves to cuddle and watch TV.  He wants his back scratched at bedtime.  He will snuggle up while I read a book to him and just as quickly body-slam me and beg to wrestle.

He does this because touch makes connections and bonds.  We have all read stories about babies in orphanages who do not receive adequate touch from adults suffering from physical ailments, suppressed neurodevelopment, and emotional problems.

We also know, as men, women tend to be better at touch.  You may be an outlier, but, in general, men have room to improve in this area.

So, does your kid respond to touch?  Does your kid pester you, poke you, prod you?  Could he be looking for physical contact or physical reassurance?

Take a moment to consider the ways you engage in physical touch with your kid.  It could be roughhousing, tickling, or hugging.  It could be none of those.

Again, I commend to you Dr. Gary Chapman’s book – The Five Love Languages of Children – which explores the subject of physical touch and even provides an assessment tool to discover how highly it ranks for your kid.  As an aside, if you use the above link to order the book, I will receive a small portion of the sale which helps to offset the cost of running this blog…and is much appreciated!

Over the next few days, pay attention to how you use physical touch with your kid.  Does a hug, kiss on the head or a tickle fight change how you interact, improve his mood, or strengthen your relationship?  Do you struggle with even remembering to show physical affection to your kid?  Do you fall into the category of guy who just wishes there was a woman around to do the hugging and cuddling?

When mom is not around on a consistent basis to supply physical touch to your kid, you need to fill those shoes.

What benefit have you found when you show affection or engage in physical touch with your kid?  

 

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Time

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No quote from Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” in this blog post.  As a full-time single father, you have already committed to spending time with your kids.  Lots of time.  In fact, you may feel a bit of guilt when you wish you could get a break.

You give your kids an incredibly valuable gift with that time.  No matter what happened to get you to this place, you now have primary responsibility for them and will spend a large portion of your non-working hours being dad.

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Young children require greater and more intense attention.  Feedings, diapers, baths, reading, playing, more diapers, and more feedings – just tapping those words out on my keyboard reminded me how exhausting those years were.  You may have help, but when you have those kids alone your time is consumed.

When you change diapers, older potty trained kids seem easier.  Seem is the operative word.

Intuitively, we all know parenting requires lots of time.  We all know time invested in a relationship nurtures and grows it.  So, it would seem parenting – especially if you parent the majority of the time – would result in awesome relationships with your kids.

Again, seem is the operative word.

I have spent time with my son and squandered time with my son.  I have been present with my son and I have been in the same room as my son.  I have listened to my son and I have been aware some creature was chattering somewhere in the room while I responded to an email.  You get the idea.

We would not function if every moment of every day involved deep levels of intimate communication and attention to our kids.  They would go crazy, too!  But, we can begin to identify those moments we can leverage and allow for deep connection.

I wrote about the value of a bedtime ritual – intimate and quality time.  I suggested we pay attention to their prompting for your time and presence, even if it involves a cartoon.

We have been given time with our kids – something we should thank God for.  So, let’s handle the time well.  Give this a try:

  • If your kids are too young to effectively communicate, write down two ways you can have quality time with your kids each day and do them.  This could include anything from 10-15 minutes of focused play time at morning and at night, to reading, to going for a walk, or to throwing a ball.  Discover what your kids enjoy and what they enjoy doing with you…and do it.
  • If your kids are older, ask them to tell you two things they like doing with you.  Then do those things on a consistent basis.

How do you spend quality time with your kids?  What benefits have you seen?  What gets in the way of spending quality time with them?

Surviving Halloween

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October 31, 2014 marks the fifth Halloween since becoming a single dad.  Once again, I am not quite prepared and only have a few days to go.

We have not yet carved pumpkins or spread fake spider webs all over the front porch.  Fortunately, my mom sent a second-hand costume to my son and I avoided going to the Halloween superstores occupying those vacant big box stores across Phoenix.  In my defense, my son asked specifically to wear his cousin’s old costume.

Over these years, two things have helped me survive the sugar-infused holiday and may help you.

Invite the Candy Witch to your house.  This woman has single-handedly made Halloween awesome (and I do not even remember who gave me this idea to appropriately express thanks and give credit).  Here is the deal – much like the Tooth Fairy, the Candy Witch visits homes when kids sleep.  She whisks away candy and leaves behind another treat.  Could be money, could be an Xbox game, could be just about anything without high fructose corn syrup.

As a bonus, the Candy Witch allows kids to keep up to ten pieces of candy from their Halloween booty, so they get the best of both worlds.  It may cost me a few dollars, but saves both of us from having piles of candy around the house.  And my coworkers do not seem to mind the fun size M&Ms and Snickers arriving at the office after Halloween.

Find a block party to attend.  We have spent each of the past four Halloweens at one of two block parties, complete with pot lucks and group trick-or-treating.  Both adults and kids have a great time and you get off the hook from having to hand out candy at your own house.  To find one, ask other parents from school.  The cost of admission rarely involves more than making some chili or bringing some glow-sticks.  My son has not quite decided what he wants to do this year…he thinks scaring trick-or-treaters coming to our house might be fun, but has not issued the final verdict.

Do you have a favorite Halloween hack?