Tag Archives: parenting

How Sanity Returned To My Mornings (Mostly)

I became a single dad when my son was barely five-years-old.  The list of chores and responsibilities appropriate for a child his age had limits, and I constantly cleaned, cooked, made his school lunch, did laundry, made beds, reminded him to brush his teeth, did more laundry, cooked, and did more laundry.

“Doing the laundry” often included picking up socks and clothes from the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the other bathroom, and even my bedroom.  Sure, I would scold him and ask him to do the job, but I felt an enormous amount of guilt about the divorce and his new world, so I erred on the side of doing more than most parents.

Fast forward a few years (including a new marriage and great advice from my wife), and my son has transformed the quality of my mornings dramatically.  He (we) did this by having him make a list of all the tasks he must do in the morning…tasks I no longer do and tasks I no longer have to nag him about doing.

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

He wrote the list himself as we discussed what he needed to do every morning.  He posted the list on the refrigerator himself.  And now he completes the tasks all by himself – and he does them without complaint.

The list has empowered him and relieved me.

Now it is time for me to create my own list…

What morning rituals do your kids perform?  How can you improve upon your morning routine?

Wait Before Destroying The iPad

Silence hangs over the house like a heavy blanket on an otherwise beautiful afternoon.

You have several kids at home…there should be noise, so your imagination takes over.

They must be outside trying cigarettes or drinking a beer in secret.  No way should they be this quiet.

But on your way to the back yard, you walk by the family room.  Each kid sits quietly on the sofa, almost shoulder to shoulder, ears plugged with earbuds, shoulders slouched, neck bent, eyes fixed on 3.1 million glorious pixels.  Not a creature stirred.

Moments like those make me want to yank out the earbuds and snatch every device.  Then, in front of the kids, use a ball pein hammer to delicately shatter each iPad screen, and show them the door to the back yard where they should be playing.

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

But, since I have my own dysfunctional relationship with electronics, I tone down my response and give the kids five more minutes to wrap up before they get sent outside or must start a new, non-electronic activity.

So…what is it with our love-hate relationship with electronics and “screen time”?

As someone in my mid-40s, access to electronics growing up was limited.  I might just harbor jealousy when I see what amazing resources my son has access to.

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

I had to go to the library and look up articles on microfiche.  Part of me wants my son to share in my suffering.

Having just finished open house for my son’s fifth-grade class, half of the academic helps for our kids come in the form of iPad apps.  So, now he can legitimately say screen time equals study time.

So, should I just give up?

No.

It is time to embrace these amazing tools.  It is also time to recognize my son’s job will likely have a close tie to his ability to utilize screen time.

But I will help him find a balance.  He will hike with me.  He will set up a lemonade stand.  He will play an instrument.  He will play rugby.  He will help with DIY projects around the house.

And I might let him find the YouTube video to help out with the DIY project.

What role do electronics play in your home?  What is your biggest struggle?

Ugh…Back To School

Last Friday my son’s school held an open house just prior to the start of school (which is this morning).  Amidst the chaos of finding a parking spot and dodging kids running down sidewalks to see friends they have not seen all summer, the 30 minute visit to find out the name of his homeroom teacher, locate the classroom, and meet the teacher turned out to be kind of a bust.

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

We found the classroom and went in to meet the teacher.  She was standing in a small circle of parents and a few kids in the middle of the room.  My son and I inched up to the circle to establish our turn to introduce ourselves to the teacher.

We never introduced ourselves.

One parent chose to suck the oxygen out of the room by asking question after question and sharing far more information about why little Johnny was a special kid in need of special attention because of his special parents.

The teacher could not have been more polite and accommodating.

The other parents seemed irritated.

My son and I decided he would just meet the teacher on the first day of school and we quietly slipped out while this parent continued to talk and talk and talk.

Observing that scene made me think about how I influence my son’s school experience.  What kind of parent am I?  A tiger parent?  A helicopter parent?  A jellyfish parent?  An elephant parent?  A dolphin parent?  People use all of these descriptors about parenting styles.

I refuse to label myself, but I will do my best to implement some best parenting practices as it relates to my kid and school.

  • Set goals for the school year.  Spend some time with your kids discussing and having them write down their goals.  They should include items beyond the academic, such as trying a new sport, spending more time with friends, volunteering for a charity, or creating their own business.
  • Establish a positive relationship with the teacher.  Depending on what grades your kids are in, you may have several teachers to interact with.  Each of those teachers has a reputation and our kids pay close attention to what others say.  Our job as dads is to train our kids to respect adults and we do that best by acting that way ourselves.  Whether the teacher is “good” or “bad” we can let them know we want their input about our kids and will actively participate in their education…but know the teacher runs the classroom.  Of course, there are exceptions to this in extreme circumstances, but we all survived less-than-stellar teachers and our kids will too.
  • Establish the ground rules for after school early.  And enforce the rules!  How much video game time?  How much TV time?  How much friend time?  When do chores get done?  Sugar snacks or Paleo?  I see value in discussing these and taking account of their opinions, but you have the final say.  Establish the rules and stick to them.  I know from experience, the first time you give a little, the system breaks down.
  • Emphasize good food and good sleep.  Not much to say on this one…except you may want to do this for yourself as well.
  • Establish the morning routine.  Even though they may complain, kids need (and like) routines.  Let them know your expectations so you do not find yourself rushing around to get them off to school in time to catch the bus, walk, bike or catch a ride with you.

Some parents cannot wait for summer to end and some cannot believe school has already started (that’s me).  Whatever the case, let’s set up our kids for a great school year ahead!

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody.  For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness.  You know, the unpleasant emotions.  I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex.  The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me!  So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids?  How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way.  Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c)So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol).  If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently.  Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now.  And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today?  What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

Long Distance Parenting

And so it begins.

As discussed last week, my son left my home to spend eight-weeks of the summer with his mom.  I managed to subdue emotions when I took him, mainly because the flight departed at 5:05am and we had to wake up at 3:15am.

Enroute to a meeting later in the day, I watched an American Airlines 737 take off from the airport and the sight prompted tears as the reality set in.

But parenting continues…just in a different way.

Photo Credit: joancolomer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: joancolomer via Compfight cc

Shortly after settling into his summer home, he learned of an illness in the family.  For a dad who wanted to comfort his son in person, the physical distance between us seemed to multiply by 10x.  He sent me a text with the crying emoji.  You will never guess what it triggered for me.

My take away from this fresh experience, while simple, serves as foreshadowing for what is to come.  I will not always physically be with my son in the difficult time.  I will not always physically be with him in the amazing times.

But he will carry with him my parenting, the lessons I teach him, the hugs I give him, the time I spend with him, and even the fumbles I make – which reminds me of the importance of the moments I do have with him.

Whether you have sole custody or joint custody, how do you negotiate long distance parenting?  What has been one of your “lessons learned”?

Laundry Sucks

Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch.  Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not.  The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within.  I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm.  I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them.  Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

  1. Get rid of the front loader/HE washer.  I admit front loader washing machines look cool.  They save on water.  They use less energy.  But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles.  I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs.  You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
  2. Work out your laundry schedule.  Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day.  Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering.  You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house.  Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.  Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry.  Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours.  Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
  3. Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Teach your kids how to care for clothes.  Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again.  Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try.  Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin.  Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.

  4. Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad.  You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud.  In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
  5. Wash towels and rugs separately.  Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes.  I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes.  I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
  6. Bring your kids into the experience.  If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry.  Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time.  They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers.  Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry?  Any tips you can share?

How To Incorporate Fitness Into Your Parenting Routine

Arizonans have the great fortune of mostly great weather from September (fine…October) through May.  Summer gets a little on the hot side, but air conditioning takes the edge off.

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

On Saturday, my son and I went trail riding with a buddy and his son.  For just over an hour we biked around the North Mountain trail system, had a blast in perfect weather, and began planning the next outing.

I drove away thinking about how much I despise exercise bikes but love getting outside and doing an activity with my son and our friends.  I also recalled how much fun I had a few summers ago at Core CrossFit where I did a two month stint with some great people and really improved my physical and mental health.  I thought about how my son loves to be thrown in the pool and how much exercise I get launching him and his buddies into the deep end.

I also thought about a post by Mark Sisson – one of my favorite fitness and health gurus – wrote about the importance of play.  In fact, it earns a spot on his definitive guide to primal living.

Why do I mention all this?  Because I suspect, like me, you struggle to find time to train, to lift, to play a pick-up game of basketball or anything.

But, if Mark is right, we can figure out ways to play with our kids and train at the same time.  Maybe we just play a little harder…put our bikes a lower gear…make a game out of throwing those 40-80 pound weights into the deep end and consciously creating a full-body workout.

Some thoughts…

  • Build play time into your routine.  Assuming you raise your kids alone, and assuming they are on the younger side, it goes without saying you should not sneak out before they get up to go to the gym.  Maybe you have the flexibility to stop by the gym after work and before you pick your kids up from their daycare/after-school program.  If not, set aside time two or three times per week to play with them – you can play harder than them to both work up a sweat and strengthen your relationship with them.
  • Use kettlebells at home.  I love my kettlebells.  My son used to call them kettleballs and I’m just immature enough to laugh just thinking about it.  They do not take up much room and you can get a great workout.  My chiropractor recommend them to me years ago and I got hooked.  You can find them at just about any sporting goods store, but I recommend you get them from the master – Pavel Tsatsouline (I have no .
    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    I had the chance to attend a seminar by Pavel several years ago, and he’s the real deal.  His most recent book, by far my favorite, lays out a simple and straightforward way to train efficiently and effectively.  Note: if you have never used kettlebells, please find someone in your area trained in the proper use and go get a one-on-one lesson or attend a class.  If you do not have access to that or do not want to spend a ton of money, check out Steve Cotter’s excellent DVD – he gives about the best training on proper form you could get from a video.

  • Use bodyweight exercises at home.  You cannot beat the cost of doing bodyweight exercises at home.  And you can do them when you only have a few minutes to allocate toward exercise.  Push ups.  Pull ups.  Lunges.  Squats.  Simple.  While this guide can be a little over-the-top in terms of the back story, Convict Conditioning provides a great road map for an effective, measured approach to bodyweight exercises.

and, finally…

  • MovNat.  In 2010, I attended a MovNat workshop in Phoenix.  I, along with about 20 others, spent the day at a park balancing on benches, shimmying up playground equipment, crawling in the grass, learning how to tumble, and generally having an awesome time.  Our instructor was Clifton Harski who kept us in stitches and taught the fundamentals of movement, balance, and having a great time.  My classmates were gym owners, fitness enthusiasts, and people far more flexible and strong than me.  If you sign up for MovNat’s newsletter, you get a weekly email with a type of movement to incorporate into your training – things like climbing techniques, balancing, jumping, throwing.  You could take one of the weekly suggestions and do them with your kids on your play/fitness days.

I struggle to do all of this.  I often want to just sit down and rest.  But I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I get dirty.  I feel better when I can laugh with my son out on a trail.  I feel better knowing I am modeling healthy activity for him.

What is your favorite “fitness” activity with your kids?  What activity would you like to try?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Transformation

When The Transformers made their debut in the US, it was 1984 – my freshman year in high school.  Just a little too old for the action figures, I managed to watch the cartoon on occasion.  The novelty of a car or plane transforming into a robot and battling the forces of evil still held appeal to this 14-year-old.

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

My parents never bought me one of the Hasbro action figures (poor me), but several friends had them.  Transforming those toys from the vehicle into the robot seemed simple, but if one of my friends handed me the robot, transforming it back into the vehicle challenged me.  I could not seem to “see” the vehicle and clumsily bent hinges and twisted appendages until something seemed to take form.

Occasionally, I forced an arm or leg in a direction it was not intended to go.  You can imagine the result.

As dads, we want our kids to thrive and succeed as adults.  How do we help them in this transition/transformation?

Forcing them into something we have in our minds could result in breakage.

Our job as dads is to help them discover what vehicle they can become.  How do they engage, how do they learn, and how to they relate to others.

For this, I recommend another resource.  Jenifer Fox wrote “Your Child’s Strengths” – an excellent resource to help identify what makes your kids tick, what stimulates learning, and how they interact with people

Marcus Buckingham, known for his strengths-based approach to personal/professional growth, wrote the forward.  Dr. Fox does a very thorough job of unpacking this concept for kids.  A warning – she unpacks a lot of information, but also provides great tools and resources.

If this passage from the book resonates with you at all, you may want to take heed:

“These days, with parents increasingly pushing their kids to excel and focus earlier, the consequences for children are worrisome.  your child’s strength path is her own.  take notice of her uniqueness and the things she naturally gravitates toward and allow her to explore those in ways that feel positive and comfortable to her.” (“Your Child’s Strengths” page 111)

I cannot wait to see what my son becomes, and hope I do not do anything to force him to become a 1984 Freightliner Semi when he is uniquely designed to become a 1983 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Those are references to Optimus Prime and Jazz in case you’re wondering.

What unique quality – different from one of yours – have you seen in your kids?