Tag Archives: fatherhood

Teaching Our Kids About Manners

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I was a kid in the 1970s and my parents came to Arizona from farming communities in the midwest.  They raised me with many of the customs from their childhood…which makes perfect sense.

My parents taught me to open doors for everyone (especially ladies), to make eye contact when speaking to adults, and to always say “please” and “thank you.”  They did not have to deal with electronics at mealtime as so many of us battle against today.

young woman bored to date while her boyfriend having business cell on mobile phone

young woman bored to date while her boyfriend having business cell on mobile phone

As time has passed, I have had the sense “manners” have changed slightly.  Holding doors for people can be met with either thanks or indifference.  Rarely do I remember to stand when a lady gets up from the table.  I do, however, open the car door for my wife nearly every time we get into the car.

My son and stepsons pay close attention to my actions and I do my best to model good manners.  But I have wondered if any of what my parents taught me has changed.

Thankfully, I heard a podcast by the Art of Manliness about the subject, and I encourage each of you to give it a listen.  We have all heard of Emily Post, but I had no idea her family had kept her legacy alive and relevant.  You can find one of her old books in the used bookstore, but the modern Emily Post empire is alive, well, and keeping abreast of modern manners.

The podcast reminded me to keep up on my manners and gave me some tools to use with respect to email manners even text messaging.

We model behavior for our kids and it does not hurt to brush up on good manners so we can equip them to stand above the rest as they grow up.

Can you name one time your parent(s) asked you to leave the dinner table for bad manners?  Have you sent your kid to her/his room for bad behavior at the table?

Fostering Wonder In Our Kids – Part 2

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Shortly after the Good Friday service, my son inquired whether Easter morning might involve an egg hunt.  He asked in a nonchalant manner one would expect from an 11-year-old boy who desperately wants to hunt for eggs, but does not want to color them anymore or admit he still wants to hunt for eggs.

Photo Credit: watermarkimagingco via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: watermarkimagingco via Compfight cc

Fast forward to Easter morning.  My son emerges from his bedroom, blanket wrapped around him.  He proclaims “Happy Easter” to me and his stepmom.

We let the tension build for several minutes.

Finally, my wife said one of the puppies had found something interesting in the back yard.  You could notice my son looking out the windows and sliding glass door for some clue.  But, the small basket was invisible from his vantage point.  We suggested he go outside….

The little plastic Easter basket evoked a smile and we told him we re-hid one of the eggs (plastic) the puppy found.  He began the hunt, and drawing from several years of experience, had no trouble finding one dozen eggs.

He promptly opened them to find some coins, bills, and a coupon for him and a buddy to go to a local putt putt/amusement park he has been asking to go to.  Not a bad Easter.

Then the balloon popped.

Turns out the Easter egg hunt does not hold the same excitement it once did.  He had to admit it to us.

My wife then made a brilliant observation he seemed to appreciate and resulted in him perking up a bit.  She acknowledged as we get older, some of the things which amazed us as kids lose some of the wonder and mystery.  We figure out parents are Santa and the Easter Bunny.  The mystery of these amazing characters is replaced by the mystery about whether we will still get candy and gifts once we quit believing in them.

Then she offered some hope.

She told him as adults, we get to relive the wonder of being a kid when we become Santa and the Easter Bunny for our own kids, nieces and nephews, and later for our grandkids.  We get to be kids again, year after year.

My son may have just realized we enjoy these holidays just as much as he once did.  Maybe it will keep the wonder alive for another egg hunt or two.

I am already trying to come up with new hiding places for next year.

What is your favorite part about being a dad during holidays?

Fostering The Sense Of Wonder In Our Kids

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Two nights ago, my wife and I asked the “youngers” (what I call the 10 and 11-year-old boys) what they wanted to do for a Saturday family fun night.  My two older stepsons were visiting my in-laws, so the youngers could choose anything they wanted.

“RED LOBSTER!”

Fear gripped me.  The thought of spending the same amount, if not more, for Red Lobster as I would at a truly excellent Mexican or Thai restaurant made me cringe.  It also reminded me of a book I read by Joe Queenan called “Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon” where he opined:

 The Red Lobster menu consisted almost entirely of batter cunningly fused with marginally aquatic foodstuffs and configured into clever geometric structures. I immediately began to suspect that the kitchen at Red Lobster consisted of one gigantic vat of grease in which plastic cookie molds resembling various types of food were inserted to create a structural resemblance to the specific item ordered. This was the only way to determine whether you were eating Buffalo wings or crabcakes. Technically, my dinner–The Admiral’s Feast–was a dazzling assortment of butterfly shrimp, fish filet, scallops, and some mysterious crablike entity. But in reality, everything tasted exactly like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Even the French fries.

But, I remembered getting excited to go to Red Lobster in the 1970s when my parents probably had the same reaction I did in 2016.

Photo by author.

Photo by author.

So, we loaded up in the truck and headed over to Red Lobster on a Saturday at 4:48pm so we could avoid the rush.  And I am glad we did.  By the time we finished at 5:50pm, the place crawled with predominately senior adults.

What is it about Red Lobster?  Is it the cheesy biscuits?  Is it the novelty of eating crab legs and shrimp?  Is it seeing the lobsters in the tank when you walk in?  The youngers confirmed each of those were awesome.

As we get older and responsibility increases…especially as single dads…we can lose sight of the awesome.  As my friend, @scottsavagelive, reminded his congregation yesterday, “familiarity kills wonder.”  Have I lost sight of the wonder and awesomeness of Red Lobster?

No, I tend to agree with Joe Queenan about the awesomeness of Red Lobster.  But I forget my son sees the things I find familiar in a completely different way.  He sees lobsters, paintings of lighthouses, nets on the walls, cheesy biscuits, peach lemonade, and the crab leg cracker with fresh eyes and a sense of it being special.  I see polyester and mediocre seafood.

However, I recognize as a dad I do not foster the sense of wonder enough.  I do not take enough time to ask him how he sees the world and what he finds amazing.

Engaging in this discussion with him may allow me a greater sense of awe for what I consider familiar, but is, indeed, amazing.  I want to foster a sense of excitement, not crush it.

What was amazing to you as a kid that your parents probably cringed at?  How could you foster a sense of wonder in your parenting?

 

3 Ways I Helped My Son Figure Out His New Hobbies

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Photo by author

Photo by author

Before our divorce, my ex and I decided to get some chickens for our urban home.  We started with a few and pretty soon got hooked.

Fast forward a bit and I ended up with custody of the chickens and my son and I raised them for several years until we finally ended up with a landlord unwilling to let us bring them along.

But during the years we had them, my son (and his friends) loved the chickens.  While not smart, each one had a personality and each one laid eggs with deep yellow yolks.  He learned about caring for animals and responsibility.  He also learned what a coyote can do to a small flock of hens.

Our experience with chickens played a role in figuring out what post-rugby hobbies my son would take up.  As you recall last week, we had some interesting suggestions…none of which I could immediately implement.

We talked about several options and two emerged the winners: starting a garden and beginning CrossFit for kids.  How did I contribute to this?

Photo by author

Photo by author

I asked him to make an expanded list of choices.  As you know from last week’s blog, his initial list of hobby choices was…adventurous.  I asked him to expand his list and encouraged him to brainstorm everything he could.  His new list had several additions in the extreme category, but we talked about plusses and minuses, and we talked about activities I engaged in previously.  I told him about my experience one summer at a CrossFit box and how much I enjoyed it, and the discussion led to his ultimate decision to investigate CrossFit for kids and to pursue it.

I encouraged him to list what interests him.  He and I (and the new blended family) have discussed getting chickens again, but we have new puppies and the timing is not right.  He and his youngest stepbrother had talked about a garden instead of more animals.  The process of listing interests and crossing off the marginal ones pointed back to something my son loves…growing and harvesting.  This time, he will harvest veggies and fruits instead of collecting fresh eggs, but it will scratch a similar itch.

Photo by author

Photo by author

I followed through.  We cannot go through a process like this and let our kids down by dropping the ball (which I have done on multiple occasions).  On Sunday, we got the necessary supplies at Home Depot and started the gardening project.  This coming Friday, he will go to his first CrossFit for kids class at a box just a few minutes away.

Giving our kids some options other than screen time helps everyone.  Finding a way to connect with our kids by exploring their interests, sharing our interests and experiences, and figuring out how to execute will pay dividends in the long term.

Now we just have to wait and see what comes of the garden…and if he likes CrossFit.

Have your kids chosen a hobby based on something you did as a kid or something they saw you do as an adult?  What was it?

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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This week has been full of coughing and craziness, so I decided to reach back into the archive and pull out a post I needed to re-read myself.  Consistency in your approach to discipline is critical and I hope this will give you some encouragement and perspective.

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] In February, 2014 I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

Lessons Learned In The Emergency Room

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Last Saturday my son learned why the rules of rugby forbid jumping…you can get hurt or hurt someone else.

In this instance, my son received the injury.  As he carried the ball down the field, he jumped to avoid a tackle, but ended up being brought down on top of the ball with extra energy.  His ribs and sternum burned with pain…especially when he took a breath.

We immediately iced the worst area and hopped in the car.  Phoenix Children’s Hospital was on the way home, but I kept wondering if I had another Saturday morning option for a one-stop shop for medical care and the inevitable x-rays.

Completely unprepared, I took him into the emergency room.  I even asked the nice lady at admissions if she knew of an urgent care facility offering medical care and imaging services at the same location.  She smiled and told me once I got to admissions at one provider, I should just stick it out.

Photo by author

Photo by author

My son did not break anything, but managed to beat himself up pretty badly.  I expect he will want to take Monday off from rugby practice to let it heal a little more.

For me, I am beating myself up for not following my own advice and being prepared for the most cost-effective way to get health care for my son.  I should have already known the locations of the urgent care facilities with imaging so I could choose one of those over an emergency room.

Depending on your health insurance, you may not see any difference in cost for a weekend need to get some x-rays and evaluation, but I hope when my bill comes in, it does not knock the wind out of me.

Do you know the location of the ideal hospital, urgent care facility or dentist in case the need arises on a weekend?

Single Dad Burnout?

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This past weekend my son went to his first camp with our church youth group.  So, in addition to the experience of loading him onto a bus and waving goodbye, I had the opportunity to rest a little and get some much-needed work done around the house.

He came back on Sunday evening and I could not have been more excited to see him.  I miss him when he is gone, even when it affords me the opportunity to rest.

Not long after I put him to bed, I sat down to catch up on some headlines and one teaser on the Drudge Report caught my eye: “Modern dads ‘burning out’…”.  I do not have my Strunk and White handy, so I apologize for any improper punctuation.

The first sentence of the article indicated modern dads experience as much burnout as moms.  The article went on to make broad statements about working parents – presumably married – experiencing high levels of stress related to juggling work and home responsibilities.

No where in the article did single parents receive explicit attention.

I immediately thought of my years as a single dad.

And I thought of you and the other readers who have extraordinary parental responsibility…often with no consistent support from a spouse or even an ex.

Do we experience burnout?

We certainly can feel exhausted, stressed, frustrated, and even overwhelmed, but I suspect we power through those feelings and get up every day and do it all over again.

If you do feel burnout, I would commend to you you last week’s post and a few others I have written to give some encouragement and ideas to combat burnout.

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

Thanks for being a dad and all it entails.

When have you experienced burnout as a parent?

Defeating Loneliness And Isolation As A Single Dad

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Sunday, while my son and his buddy played a relatively quiet game of hangman, I listened to Pastor Scott share some great thoughts about community.  Sitting in the church service, I remembered how many people at my church supported me during my separation, divorce, and eventual life as a single dad.

This particular buddy (and his whole family) helped maintain stability and consistency through a lot of play time and Saturday hangouts.  While the kids played, the dads home-brewed beer and I received amazing support.

Whether in work or social circles, or at the CrossFit gym (I attended one summer while my son was with his mom during the summer visitation), I ran into several guys who were either single dads or facing the eventuality through divorce.  Those friendships often became opportunities for guys to commiserate, help each other babysit, or just hang out with the kids.  We all had common interests and similar struggles.

One of my early posts addressed the idea of building a team to help you when family was not around and you had an emergency at work.  But this post had a utilitarian feel.

What I heard this past Sunday reminded me of those friendships built with fellow travelers and friends and their wives and families who would do what they could to lend a hand.

Some thoughts about these relationships:

Relationships must work both ways.  You get out of it what you put into it.  One-sided relationships rarely stand the test of time.

You must be intentional about existing relationships and developing new ones.  Pastor Scott quoted someone (did not write the name down) who said, “You don’t realize how much you need people until you need people.”  Granted, we all have different personality types and this may come harder for you, but the principal remains the same…you have to decide to be a friend and to develop new ones.

Seek friendships with other single dads.  One of my single dad buddies from CrossFit became a close friend and his kids and my son had some great times playing and hanging out.  He had some great insight for me as I was settling in to the life of a single dad and we helped each other figure out some co-parenting issues as they came up.  People with common experiences and issues can provide great input and support.

It could be easy to fall into the trap of isolating and just going to work and raising your kids.  But that would rob you of the benefit of the advice and input of others, the realization that others have experienced similar difficulty, and the opportunity to gain some amazing friendships.

Have you been tempted to isolate as a single dad?  If not, what friend has made a lasting impact on your parenting?