Tag Archives: fatherhood

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody.  For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness.  You know, the unpleasant emotions.  I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex.  The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me!  So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids?  How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way.  Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c)So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol).  If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently.  Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now.  And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today?  What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

Father’s Day Without My Son

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Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion.  Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community.  Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day.  And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks.  I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home.  Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages.  And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat.  I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids?  What was your take-away from the experience?  No big deal?  A little guilt?  Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Sex, Drugs, Violence And Dirty Words

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My son and I sat down to watch a classic movie with a PG rating – Beetlejuice.  

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

I had fond memories of the 1988 movie – the Tim Burtonesque feel, the comic genius of Michael Keaton, and the Banana Boat Song.  And it was not even a PG-13 film like Iron Man or The Avengers – both of which he saw and I had no problem with.

I had forgotten a few critical scenes, words, and concepts my son might not have been ready to take in.  I had forgotten a PG rating in the 1980s could be just this side of an R rating.  Watching it again, I wonder if Beetlejuice should have been rated PG-13.

I began talking with other dads about this.  There was the one who showed his son The Bad News Bears having forgotten about the amount of language and drinking in that PG film.

We have also talked about our tendency, especially with our boys, to afford more leniency with violence than we do sex and nudity.  How can we show them Braveheart and The Patriot because of the overarching story and message and turn our heads at the brutality, violence and blood?

I have another friend who will allow for a moderate level of violence in the media his son consumes, but draws the line when the story involves the mistreatment and disrespect of women.  But even those story lines can provide great opportunity for conversation about the consequences of being a jerk toward women.

So, what is the right answer?  Do we let the Motion Picture Association of America decide what our kids can watch based on their age and MPAA guidelines?  Do we say “no” to everything with adult content?  Do we shelter our kids as long as we can?

I do not have all the answers and, frankly, have quite a few questions.

Even if I censor the content at home, my son still goes to school, still visits friends (with older siblings), still rides in the car and sees billboards for local adult boutiques and Captain Morgan Rum.

I want to hear what you think, but here is my attempt to develop some boundaries:

  • Stay engaged in your kids’ lives and know what media they consume.  This seems like the first, logical step.  Ignorance is not bliss.
  • Educate yourself on the content they want to consume.  I routinely use sites like IMDB, Kids-In-Mind, and Common Sense Media to get reviews and recommendations about the content my son consumes.  He usually knows which films I will say “no” to, but often I need more information – especially if I have not seen it before and want a sense about what he will see.  Some of the sites even give you topics to discuss following the movie.
  • They probably know what you watch, so do not be surprised if they think the same content is OK for them.  In the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do category, our kids take cues from us, so if you do not want them watching horror movies, you may want to reconsider your Friday the 13th movie marathon.  They can see the “recently watched” shows on Netflix just like you can.
  • Engage in the discussion with your kids.   I remember watching a movie called Phantasm at a friend’s house when I was in late elementary or early junior high.  For whatever reason, I could barely go get the mail in broad daylight for several days after seeing it.  I was just waiting for the Tall Man to jump out from behind a tree or show up behind me when I looked in a mirror.  I have told my son about that experience, and it may have tempered his desire to watch a horror movie…for the time being.  Be honest about why you set boundaries on the movies they watch and let it be a conversation, not just a lecture.

What limits have you set on movie/TV content for your kids?  How do you approach the subject with them?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer.  The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request.  The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes.  But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage.  I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection.  Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt.  If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire.  Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away.  I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime.  In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him.  Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad.  When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids?  How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

Giving Space To Our Kids

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At first I thought I heard laughter from my son’s room.  But within seconds I knew first impressions were wrong.

I immediately began to walk down the hall to check on him.  Each step confirmed he was not laughing, but instead crying.  Not the type calling for me to race down the hall because of an injury, but the type calling for gentle, deliberate sympathy or empathy.

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

He was balled up on his bed with Blanket over him.  Always one for precision, my son named his soft, light green blanket Blanket.

Gently rolling back and forth he cried.

“What’s wrong, bud?”

Nothing.

“Are you okay?”

Through the tears and a little bit of snot, he said, “I miss Mommy.”

Before I could fully develop the words of comfort and encouragement, I said two short sentences.  “Mommy misses you, too.  Would you like some alone time or would you like me to stay?”

Every parent wants their kid to say, “Dad, please stay,” but mine said, “I want to be alone.”

And with a reassuring kiss on the forehead and squeeze on his shoulder, I got up and left with no words but, “Okay.”

For a brief time, his crying got louder, but he seemed to get it out and process the way he wanted to.  Before long, he came out to the kitchen and took a long drink of water.  He walked over to me and hugged my waist.

No words.  Just a hug.

“Dad, can I have a Power Crunch bar?”

He needed a little time and a little space to process emotion himself.  Next time, he may want me there, he may want some words of wisdom or encouragement.  Today, he wanted space.

 

How To Incorporate Fitness Into Your Parenting Routine

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Arizonans have the great fortune of mostly great weather from September (fine…October) through May.  Summer gets a little on the hot side, but air conditioning takes the edge off.

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

On Saturday, my son and I went trail riding with a buddy and his son.  For just over an hour we biked around the North Mountain trail system, had a blast in perfect weather, and began planning the next outing.

I drove away thinking about how much I despise exercise bikes but love getting outside and doing an activity with my son and our friends.  I also recalled how much fun I had a few summers ago at Core CrossFit where I did a two month stint with some great people and really improved my physical and mental health.  I thought about how my son loves to be thrown in the pool and how much exercise I get launching him and his buddies into the deep end.

I also thought about a post by Mark Sisson – one of my favorite fitness and health gurus – wrote about the importance of play.  In fact, it earns a spot on his definitive guide to primal living.

Why do I mention all this?  Because I suspect, like me, you struggle to find time to train, to lift, to play a pick-up game of basketball or anything.

But, if Mark is right, we can figure out ways to play with our kids and train at the same time.  Maybe we just play a little harder…put our bikes a lower gear…make a game out of throwing those 40-80 pound weights into the deep end and consciously creating a full-body workout.

Some thoughts…

  • Build play time into your routine.  Assuming you raise your kids alone, and assuming they are on the younger side, it goes without saying you should not sneak out before they get up to go to the gym.  Maybe you have the flexibility to stop by the gym after work and before you pick your kids up from their daycare/after-school program.  If not, set aside time two or three times per week to play with them – you can play harder than them to both work up a sweat and strengthen your relationship with them.
  • Use kettlebells at home.  I love my kettlebells.  My son used to call them kettleballs and I’m just immature enough to laugh just thinking about it.  They do not take up much room and you can get a great workout.  My chiropractor recommend them to me years ago and I got hooked.  You can find them at just about any sporting goods store, but I recommend you get them from the master – Pavel Tsatsouline (I have no .
    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    I had the chance to attend a seminar by Pavel several years ago, and he’s the real deal.  His most recent book, by far my favorite, lays out a simple and straightforward way to train efficiently and effectively.  Note: if you have never used kettlebells, please find someone in your area trained in the proper use and go get a one-on-one lesson or attend a class.  If you do not have access to that or do not want to spend a ton of money, check out Steve Cotter’s excellent DVD – he gives about the best training on proper form you could get from a video.

  • Use bodyweight exercises at home.  You cannot beat the cost of doing bodyweight exercises at home.  And you can do them when you only have a few minutes to allocate toward exercise.  Push ups.  Pull ups.  Lunges.  Squats.  Simple.  While this guide can be a little over-the-top in terms of the back story, Convict Conditioning provides a great road map for an effective, measured approach to bodyweight exercises.

and, finally…

  • MovNat.  In 2010, I attended a MovNat workshop in Phoenix.  I, along with about 20 others, spent the day at a park balancing on benches, shimmying up playground equipment, crawling in the grass, learning how to tumble, and generally having an awesome time.  Our instructor was Clifton Harski who kept us in stitches and taught the fundamentals of movement, balance, and having a great time.  My classmates were gym owners, fitness enthusiasts, and people far more flexible and strong than me.  If you sign up for MovNat’s newsletter, you get a weekly email with a type of movement to incorporate into your training – things like climbing techniques, balancing, jumping, throwing.  You could take one of the weekly suggestions and do them with your kids on your play/fitness days.

I struggle to do all of this.  I often want to just sit down and rest.  But I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I get dirty.  I feel better when I can laugh with my son out on a trail.  I feel better knowing I am modeling healthy activity for him.

What is your favorite “fitness” activity with your kids?  What activity would you like to try?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Tailor

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“Shopping for clothes” does not appear in my top 10 list of enjoyable things to do.  Would you believe it does not appear in my top 50?  Believe it.

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

My work requires dress shirts, and I am one of those guys who cannot find an off-the-rack shirt to fit me well.  Apparently, most men with my neck size and sleeve length have the body frame of a refrigerator.  Even the fitted shirts make me feel a little like Jerry Seinfeld in his pirate shirt.

Back when in my single days, living in DC, I had more disposable income and had some custom shirts made.  Those fit perfectly.  The fine folks at The Custom Shop in Pentagon City Mall measured me and constructed my shirts.  And when a piece of clothing fits perfectly, you feel good and it seems worth the time and money.

Over the past couple months, you have read several “Ts” of single fatherhood.  You may have talked with a counselor, a relative, a friend, another single dad, or a mentor and gotten parenting advice.  You have probably read a book or two on discipline strategies, potty training, how to talk to your kids about s-e-x, or picked up one of the books I have recommended.

Hopefully, no one has claimed a corner on truth or effectiveness.  Each one of us have a unique story about how we got here.  Each one of us have kids from birth to teen, boy and girl, adjusted  and troubled.

Off-the-rack parenting solutions do not always work.  We have the massive challenge of figuring out what works for us and our kids.  And what works during one season of your kid’s life may not work in the next.

Trial and error sucks, but I have not found The Customized Parent shop at any mall…yet.

What I have found is people want single dads to succeed and thrive.  They care about the welfare of our kids and know we could use an encouraging word, a bit of advice, and a heap of grace in parenting.

Our kids also want us to thrive, because they, in turn, will thrive.  If one of the parenting ideas we pulled off-the-rack bellyflops, we need to own it and usually the kids will understand we are trying.

So, keep asking for advice and help.  Keep reading books and blogs.  But realize you may need to adjust the sleeves and bring it in a little.

What parenting advice did you receive and execute that ended up failing?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Transformation

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When The Transformers made their debut in the US, it was 1984 – my freshman year in high school.  Just a little too old for the action figures, I managed to watch the cartoon on occasion.  The novelty of a car or plane transforming into a robot and battling the forces of evil still held appeal to this 14-year-old.

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

My parents never bought me one of the Hasbro action figures (poor me), but several friends had them.  Transforming those toys from the vehicle into the robot seemed simple, but if one of my friends handed me the robot, transforming it back into the vehicle challenged me.  I could not seem to “see” the vehicle and clumsily bent hinges and twisted appendages until something seemed to take form.

Occasionally, I forced an arm or leg in a direction it was not intended to go.  You can imagine the result.

As dads, we want our kids to thrive and succeed as adults.  How do we help them in this transition/transformation?

Forcing them into something we have in our minds could result in breakage.

Our job as dads is to help them discover what vehicle they can become.  How do they engage, how do they learn, and how to they relate to others.

For this, I recommend another resource.  Jenifer Fox wrote “Your Child’s Strengths” – an excellent resource to help identify what makes your kids tick, what stimulates learning, and how they interact with people

Marcus Buckingham, known for his strengths-based approach to personal/professional growth, wrote the forward.  Dr. Fox does a very thorough job of unpacking this concept for kids.  A warning – she unpacks a lot of information, but also provides great tools and resources.

If this passage from the book resonates with you at all, you may want to take heed:

“These days, with parents increasingly pushing their kids to excel and focus earlier, the consequences for children are worrisome.  your child’s strength path is her own.  take notice of her uniqueness and the things she naturally gravitates toward and allow her to explore those in ways that feel positive and comfortable to her.” (“Your Child’s Strengths” page 111)

I cannot wait to see what my son becomes, and hope I do not do anything to force him to become a 1984 Freightliner Semi when he is uniquely designed to become a 1983 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Those are references to Optimus Prime and Jazz in case you’re wondering.

What unique quality – different from one of yours – have you seen in your kids?