Tag Archives: fatherhood

What My Son Got Me For My 46th Birthday

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He gave me $10.

And I am fairly certain he re-gifted it to me.

We both have birthdays in September and his comes before mine.  One of his friends got him a bag of candy and a card with two $5 bills.

Photo by author

Photo by author

On my birthday, my son’s card to me contained two $5 bills.

Of course I thanked him and gave him a big hug.  Part of me felt guilty he gave me anything.  So, we had a conversation.

“Thanks for the money, bud!  I really appreciate it.  You know you didn’t have to get me anything,” I said.

“I know, dad, but I wanted to give it to you.”

“Do you like giving?”

My son replied, “I like giving more than getting.”

Not too many years ago for one of my son’s birthdays, he asked his friends to bring diapers and supplies for a local shelter instead of giving him a gift.  He took all the loot and we delivered it to  the Phoenix Rescue Mission’s Changing Lives Center.  I know the experience of delivering and meeting some of the women and children moved him deeply.

As dads, we do not always know if the lessons we teach sink in.  But sometimes, when we open up an “Awkward Family Photos” birthday card, we know they do listen.

What lesson have you taught and been surprised by how/when your kid responded?

Discovering Unforgettable Father-Child Experiences

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If you look up the word “hunter” in the dictionary, you will see my picture on that page.  That is because “hungry” is on the same page.

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

I have harvested my share of birds and an elk here and there, but am not a great hunter.  At the end of the day, I love being outdoors.  My son shares the same love for the outdoors and wildlife.

This past week, my son and I spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night, all-day Saturday, and a half-day Sunday at a hunter education class sponsored by the Arizona Game and Fish Department.  I took the same basic class when I turned 10…over 35 years ago.  For anyone who has taken hunter education, no matter which state you live in, rest assured the movies have not been updated.

Photo by author...and proud dad!

Photo by author…and proud dad!

In all, we shared 5 hours in the car driving to and from Ben Avery Shooting Range and nearly 20 hours getting hands-on and classroom instruction.  We shared lots of laughs, had some serious ethical conversations, and I learned more about what he likes and does not like about the outdoors and hunting.  And he learned more from me.

I am not suggesting each of you need to take your kid through hunter education (by the way, lots of moms and daughters took the class), but you should seek out something your kid enjoys and find a way to take a deep dive with the subject.

In particular, find free or low-cost opportunities offered by organizations with the same passion.  Hunter education courses receive funding from several public sources and the instructors volunteer their time…and their passion can be contagious.

Maybe your kid enjoys the outdoors.  Find an opportunity (REI, Bass Pro Shops and many others offer no/low cost classes).

Art?  Check out your local art museum or community college for a workshop or class.

The list of interests and opportunities could take pages to exhaust.

Your job: ask your kid what subject she would like to dig into.  And do it with her.

I promise both of you will grow closer to one another…and you might just learn something.

I am going to brush up on my aim.

Do you know what interests your kid?  Do you have ideas about how to help them learn in a way you can also participate?

Another Birthday…Already?? Making Memories Without Going Crazy

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“When I was a kid…”

We have all said those words since having our own kids. My birthday parties in the 1970s and early 1980s seemed awesome – several friends came over to my house for some games and cake and ice cream. And I got presents – especially awesome in 1977 when the original Star Wars came out. The action figures made sweet gifts!

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

Now, many birthdays have become expensive two hour events at party factories – cycling in group after group for 75 minutes of play and 45 minutes of cardboard pizza, soda, cake and presents. All for a mere $300.

WHAT?!?

Some of you may have pockets full of Benjamins, but most of us try to watch our money closely.

So, how do we make awesome birthdays without destroying the budget and spending another two-hour block at the bounce house gymnasium?

1 – Ask your kid for two or three options.  You never know what they will come up with as options, and you may be pleasantly surprised they want a simple swim/video game/sleepover party at your home.  Granted, those can be exhausting, but make great memories.

2 – Budget for it…even if it is at a party factory.  No matter what, build birthday parties and gifts into your personal budget.  If you do not have a personal budget, set a goal to create one.  Little things at parties can become quite expensive…one time I tried to make fancy gift bags for 15 kids and just about went broke buying cheap plastic crap.

3 – Come up with a DIY party at home.  So, pretend your kid does not come up with any great or realistic ideas.  Make up your own themed party.  For boys – nothing beats water balloon and shaving cream fights in the back yard (or the yard of a good friend or relative).  For girls – buy some cake mix and have them do cupcake decorations and then rent a karaoke machine.  This process also helps you learn more about your kid’s interests.

4 – Plan a one-on-one event.  One year my son kept asking me to take him fishing.  So, I surprised him with a fishing trip and told him it would replace his 8th birthday party.  We have some incredible memories and he never missed having a party – instead we both got some amazing quality time and some great fish stories to tell.  This could end up costing some money, so do not forget to budget for it.

This year, we celebrated my son’s 11th birthday with family in the mountains and had a small gathering the following weekend with a couple of his buddies.  Again, we shared many memories from both events and managed to keep spending under control.

What unique spin on the usual birthday party do you want to try this year?

How Sanity Returned To My Mornings (Mostly)

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I became a single dad when my son was barely five-years-old.  The list of chores and responsibilities appropriate for a child his age had limits, and I constantly cleaned, cooked, made his school lunch, did laundry, made beds, reminded him to brush his teeth, did more laundry, cooked, and did more laundry.

“Doing the laundry” often included picking up socks and clothes from the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the other bathroom, and even my bedroom.  Sure, I would scold him and ask him to do the job, but I felt an enormous amount of guilt about the divorce and his new world, so I erred on the side of doing more than most parents.

Fast forward a few years (including a new marriage and great advice from my wife), and my son has transformed the quality of my mornings dramatically.  He (we) did this by having him make a list of all the tasks he must do in the morning…tasks I no longer do and tasks I no longer have to nag him about doing.

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

He wrote the list himself as we discussed what he needed to do every morning.  He posted the list on the refrigerator himself.  And now he completes the tasks all by himself – and he does them without complaint.

The list has empowered him and relieved me.

Now it is time for me to create my own list…

What morning rituals do your kids perform?  How can you improve upon your morning routine?

Develop Your Kid’s Practical Intelligence

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My college roommate and I visited Florence, Italy in the summer of 1990.  After spending one month in London with nearly 200 students from our college, we took the opportunity to do a little sightseeing before heading home.

In the days before cell phones, we purchased phone cards (still used in many parts of the world) to use with pay phones to call home.  In Florence, I checked in with my parents to let them know where we were.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

My mom had some information for me as well.  My LSAT score came in.

She read me the score, and I began to formulate Plan B for my life.  Law school would still be possible, but not very likely.

Looking back at the ebb and flow of my career, I do not regret missing law school one bit.  I did not carry the debt and did not have to work in a meat-grinding law firm to pay it off.

The LSAT, like my SAT to get into college, proved I did not excel at taking tests.  Despite my deficiencies in test taking, I have managed to have a solid professional career.

I do not know if my son will excel at taking tests.  In our educational system, standardized tests continue to set the benchmark (do not get me started) for advancement, graduation, college and graduate school.

But what about helping students develop practical intelligence?  Why do we teach to tests, but not take the time to teach kids how to balance a checkbook?

You and I need to teach the practical.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

You and I need to teach life skills necessary for them to function and to flourish.

You and I need to prepare our kids for the real world.

If you have read this blog for any period of time, you will know I really respect the work Dr. Tim Elmore does.  I recommend you read this article about replacing entitlement with ownership and developing life skills.  Once again, Dr. Elmore nails it!

We dads should seize this great opportunity to help our kids grow and mature.  We naturally instruct and guide our kids with practical, how-to advice.  This list demonstrates just a few of the ways I have tried to develop practical intelligence with my 10-year-old son:

  • Opening doors for others…especially women
  • Making good food choices
  • Shaking hands and having good eye contact
  • Separating laundry
  • Cooking and using spices
  • Making the bed and basic cleaning around the house
  • Saving money and spending money
  • Being polite and respectful

This aspect of fatherhood excites me because the possibilities are endless and limitless.  Certain practical intelligence skills require your kids to hit a certain age, but overall we can instill life skills from an early age forward.

Best of all, I am certain you are already doing it…just take a moment to list what you have already taught, and then make a list of your next lessons.

When did you have a blast teaching your kids a particular life skill?  Which life skill is next on your list to teach?

Ugh…Back To School

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Last Friday my son’s school held an open house just prior to the start of school (which is this morning).  Amidst the chaos of finding a parking spot and dodging kids running down sidewalks to see friends they have not seen all summer, the 30 minute visit to find out the name of his homeroom teacher, locate the classroom, and meet the teacher turned out to be kind of a bust.

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

We found the classroom and went in to meet the teacher.  She was standing in a small circle of parents and a few kids in the middle of the room.  My son and I inched up to the circle to establish our turn to introduce ourselves to the teacher.

We never introduced ourselves.

One parent chose to suck the oxygen out of the room by asking question after question and sharing far more information about why little Johnny was a special kid in need of special attention because of his special parents.

The teacher could not have been more polite and accommodating.

The other parents seemed irritated.

My son and I decided he would just meet the teacher on the first day of school and we quietly slipped out while this parent continued to talk and talk and talk.

Observing that scene made me think about how I influence my son’s school experience.  What kind of parent am I?  A tiger parent?  A helicopter parent?  A jellyfish parent?  An elephant parent?  A dolphin parent?  People use all of these descriptors about parenting styles.

I refuse to label myself, but I will do my best to implement some best parenting practices as it relates to my kid and school.

  • Set goals for the school year.  Spend some time with your kids discussing and having them write down their goals.  They should include items beyond the academic, such as trying a new sport, spending more time with friends, volunteering for a charity, or creating their own business.
  • Establish a positive relationship with the teacher.  Depending on what grades your kids are in, you may have several teachers to interact with.  Each of those teachers has a reputation and our kids pay close attention to what others say.  Our job as dads is to train our kids to respect adults and we do that best by acting that way ourselves.  Whether the teacher is “good” or “bad” we can let them know we want their input about our kids and will actively participate in their education…but know the teacher runs the classroom.  Of course, there are exceptions to this in extreme circumstances, but we all survived less-than-stellar teachers and our kids will too.
  • Establish the ground rules for after school early.  And enforce the rules!  How much video game time?  How much TV time?  How much friend time?  When do chores get done?  Sugar snacks or Paleo?  I see value in discussing these and taking account of their opinions, but you have the final say.  Establish the rules and stick to them.  I know from experience, the first time you give a little, the system breaks down.
  • Emphasize good food and good sleep.  Not much to say on this one…except you may want to do this for yourself as well.
  • Establish the morning routine.  Even though they may complain, kids need (and like) routines.  Let them know your expectations so you do not find yourself rushing around to get them off to school in time to catch the bus, walk, bike or catch a ride with you.

Some parents cannot wait for summer to end and some cannot believe school has already started (that’s me).  Whatever the case, let’s set up our kids for a great school year ahead!

FLASHBACK – 4 Ideas To Improve Your Bedtime Ritual

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At the ripe old age of “I’m almost 10” it happened.  My son has asked me to stop laying down with him at bedtime.  He’s a big boy now and it’s time to go to bed alone despite all the zombies outside his window and a forecast for a 50 percent chance of sharknados.

But I’m still in control.  I inform him I will be laying down for a moment to read to him, scratch his back for 10 seconds, and say our prayers.  I confidently assure him it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of the room in no time.

Rewind four years to when we started this discipline.

I’m thankful for lots of great advice from professional psychologists who worked with me and my son during our transition to a single-parent home.  To a person, they instructed me to maintain and improve upon his bedtime ritual to both provide comfort and promote a strong emotional connection.

His primary therapist insisted recreational book reading happen in bed because, in her experience, it enhances the emotional connection between parent and child.  An added benefit I discovered was an overall easier time falling asleep because of the consistent and safe routine.

So, here are four things I’ve learned about bedtime:

* Bedtime stories (not associated with school) need to be read in bed.  It’s a safe and comforting place to bond during reading.  This, somehow, enhances emotional bonds between father and child.  I don’t understand and don’t have any metrics to prove anything for certain, but I know my son’s emotional state was stable when I did this consistently.  He had his moments (and me mine), but it must have helped.

* Just suck it up and scratch their back.  After a long day (still anticipating folding laundry and doing dishes before I could turn in) the last thing I wanted to do was lay in some awkward position and scratch my son’s back while propping up my arm on a pillow so it didn’t fall asleep.  But I knew it mattered.  A lot.  Touch is so important with our kids and a lot of us dads forget.  So just do it.  Scratch their backs and give them a good night kiss.

* Invite questions and conversation.  Your kid will benefit from being in an emotionally safe place where they feel connected with you because they will be more likely to share their feelings and engage in some amazing conversations.  Depending on your circumstance, your kid may experience some deep hurt, fear, and guilt – what can it hurt to let them know you welcome their questions or want find out what’s on their mind?

(DISCLAIMER)  I have tried the question thing with mixed results.  I told him he could ask me anything and I would answer honestly…even if my response was “I don’t know” or “we will need to talk about that when you’re older” or “that is a grown-up issue between your mom and me.”  He occasionally pressed to get details about our divorce, but I stuck to my script (more on this concept to come in another post).  Sometimes he said he didn’t have any questions or want to talk.  That’s fine – it’s an invitation, not a requirement.

* If something has to get done before you go to bed, try to get it knocked out before the bedtime ritual.  Your day probably began 15-16 hours before it’s time to lay down with your child.  You will, occasionally, fall asleep.  You will barely function after your brief, pre-bedtime nap.  As they get older, this gets more important because their bedtime is closer to yours.

Connection with our kids keeps coming back to communication, time and touch.  So, invest some energy into your bedtime ritual.  It will make a difference.

If you miss a night here and there, don’t worry about it – just be as consistent as you can and know it will pay dividends.

As for me, I’m going to get this bedtime ritual in as long as I can, even though it’s abbreviated.  Plus, you never know when a sharknado will strike.

Effectively Bribing Your Kids (For Their Own Good)

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Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Two dollar bills, novelties themselves, seem to do the trick.

A few weeks ago I discussed using the Leadership Design Group’s eight dimensions of life as a baseline for finding balance in my life.  As I have pursued improvement in these dimensions, I find myself wondering how to get my son (and stepsons) thinking about how they develop and mature.

Not one of the four boys in my home even shave yet, so I do not expect any of them to sit down with books by Dale Carnegie, Seth Godin, or Marcus Buckingham.  Your home may have older kids who might read those types of books, but I suspect not.

So what can we, as dads, do to help them take a more holistic view of their lives and their development?

First, we can model it for them.  They see us trying to eat well, get some exercise, study, write, read, engage in healthy relationships, and laugh a lot.  They also see us struggle to eat well, get some exercise, study, write…well, you get the idea.  Bottom line: we talk about being lifetime learners and becoming better even though we do not always get it right or stay disciplined (sometimes we just want to watch a movie).

Second, we can bribe them.  And it might just work.

For the past few years, I have kept all my notes in a series of Moleskine journals.  I do not “journal” on a consistent basis, but I do keep notes/thoughts/observations/ideas in my journals.  It occurred to me I could help the kids start a journaling habit while encouraging them to consume some quality content, not just Minecraft videos on YouTube and The Maze Runner book series.

So, I made a few kid-friendly modifications to the descriptions for LDG’s eight dimensions, printed them out, and taped them into the front cover of their own personal journals.  Then, we all sat down and I explained the concept of our lives having multiple dimensions and how we need to pay attention to all aspects of our lives as we grow and mature.

Then came the bribe.

I told them they did not have to do this at all, but if any of them wanted to pick out one of the eight dimensions and let me pick out a book, article, or video for them to consume, I would pay them $2 to do it and write down a few sentences in their journal about it.  As an added bonus, I would discuss the content and their observations about it at no charge.

The results have been mixed.

The two 10-year-olds seem kind of excited to learn something new and get paid to do it.

Just yesterday, my youngest stepson asked about putting money in the bank.  So, I told him we could parle this conversation into a journal entry.  Together we watched a short video on compounding interest, we discussed it, he asked several questions, and then wrote down a few sentences about what he learned.  And he did not hesitate to take “Jefferson” out of my hands.

Only one of the boys has not taken me up on the offer, but he just sat in on the compounding interest lesson, so he may not be far off.

The idea of being able to pick out lessons, stories, or videos (TED talks can be very effective…especially with older kids) from sources you trust is only eclipsed by the ability to generate a positive conversation between you and your kids while letting an “expert” be the one to provide the lesson/lecture.  It gives you the opportunity to agree with a trusted figure rather than lecture.

We all know how much kids like lectures from parents.

I would love your feedback about this idea, and I would also appreciate suggestions about great content for kids related to their growth and development.