Tag Archives: parenting

FLASHBACK – A Single Dad’s Non-Pinterest Christmas

Leave a reply

With the new puppies (see last week’s post) and year-end chaos, we only got Christmas lights up on our home this past weekend.  I could not help be remember this post and thought I would make this a “flashback” week.

If you know any single dads, please forward this on to them for a bit of encouragement!

ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 08, 2014

My son loves Christmastime – and not even the whole gift-getting thing.  He enjoys the season, the decorations, the trees, the food, and even a few of the songs.  He really wants to learn to snowboard this winter, so the season will be full.

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Unfortunately, neither of us received the gift of decorating.  So, when Thanksgiving comes and goes, we trudge up to the self-storage unit and pull out a couple plastic bins filled with Christmas decorations.  Tree ornaments (including a Christmas pickle ornament?!?), a partial nativity scene, several balled up bunches of lights, five or six random decorations, two nutcrackers, and Christmas place mats.  Not exactly Martha Stewart territory.

I do not have a Pinterest account to get the latest decorating ideas.  Even if I did, no way would I find the required glue guns, glitter, styrofoam rings, fake holly, and gingerbread men anywhere at home.  When you look at our Christmas tree, ornaments usually occupy 15 percent of the surface area like a herd of sheep bunched up for protection.  That’s how we roll.

If you share my decorating skills, consider the following ideas for the season:

Suck it up and decorate.  This is not about you – it is about your kids.  Think back to the holidays with your family.  Do you remember the decoration your parents told you to never touch?  Do you remember the ornament you always got to hang on the tree?  Do you remember re-arranging nativity pieces?  Your home may not have made the cover of “Good Housekeeping’s Best Decorated Home” but you still have your memories.  Make those same memories for your kids.

Use old decorations from your marriage.  Out with the old and in with the new may not cut it.  My son has strong memories – good memories – associated with a few of the decorations in those plastic bins.  Throwing out or “losing” them will not aid in the healing process.  Certainly many psychologists have written well-researched papers on why this is, but all I know is my son spends time looking at certain ornaments on the tree and telling me about the good memories they bring.  Seems a bit Scrooge-ish to bury those memories.

Marry someone who can decorate.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.

Build up your decoration stockpile.  Figure out an annual ritual to build up the decorations in your home.  Maybe your son likes superhero themed nutcrackers.  Maybe your daughter loves nativity scenes.  Set a dollar amount for each kid or the household and go out to get something new together and build up your arsenal and build some new memories for all of you.

What Christmas traditions do you have with your kids?  What is something new you can do this year to build new, healthy and happy memories?

Knowing When To Say No

1 Reply

This past Saturday, our family got two puppies.  Yes, two.

We blended families almost exactly one year ago when my wife and I got married.  My son and I had not had a dog since my divorce in 2010…and I had not had a dog the year prior during our separation.  My wife and her boys lost their dog just over two years ago.

All of us have been talking about getting a puppy/dog for some time.  Each with their own opinions about breed and age.  My wife and I became the final arbiters.

Photo by author

Photo by author

We ended up with two puppies who turn nine-weeks-old today.  We picked them up from their breeder on Saturday and have had flashbacks to when we each brought our own boys back from the hospital…and when we were in the throes of potty training.

My wife and I excitedly heap words of praise on these little creatures for peeing and pooping in the yard.  We have even used a little bit of baby talk.  Hard to resist doing it with these adorable pups.

Back in my single dad days, my son badly wanted a dog.  We had a landlord who allowed it, but something told me to resist.  Something told me it was too much to bite off.

I wanted to say “yes” to my son, but disappointed him over and over with “no”.

I instinctively knew adding the stress of integrating a new family member into the home was more than I could handle.  So, we waited and waited.  It took blending families and waiting nearly a year to welcome in our two new kids.

Sorrow and guilt following a painful divorce or death can overtake our rational thought, especially when our kids beg for something.  Something so simple as a little dog.

That “something” can overwhelm an already stressful situation.

You may not have a kid asking for a puppy, but certainly you have decisions to make which could result in unnecessary or overwhelming stress to an already difficult situation.

Take a moment to consider the cost in time and money.  Take a moment to determine if you have a teachable moment for your kids as you tell them they have to wait.  Take a moment to reflect if you even have the strength to give in to a request, no matter how badly you want to give your kids what they innocently want.

Take it from a guy who got up twice last night to literally let the dogs out.

What request from your kids do you regret fulfilling?

Spider-Man And ED

Leave a reply

With our newish blended family (we just had our first Thanksgiving as a family), we spent a few days with my son’s new step-grandparents after the actual holiday.  Our Saturday was typical, some leftovers, some basketball and football, playing with the dogs, and watching some television.

“The Amazing Spider-Man” was on one of the networks and we kept it on for much of the movie.  Usually, we watch movies commercial-free, but we were too lazy to even turn the channel.  Between the full court basketball game at a nearby school and the leftover tryptophan-laced turkey, clicking the remote seemed a bridge too far.

I got distracted during a commercial break and re-engaged upon hearing my son ask, “what is erectile dysfunction?”

My mother-in-law looked at me and whispered, “So, how are you going to handle this one?”

I told her I would handle it in a private setting, not one with older step-cousins, a step-aunt, and other steps around.  She smiled in agreement.

First of all, why do we need to put up with male virility clinic commercials during superhero movies playing during the afternoon?  I’m wondering how many middle-aged men (myself excluded) are watching Spider-Man on a Saturday afternoon.  But I digress.

Photo Credit: Linden Tea via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Linden Tea via Compfight cc

Not long after, I pulled my son aside and answered the question in an age appropriate manner and only answered the question he asked.  He appeared satisfied with the reply and said he had no follow up questions.

We dads will face many questions from our kids, some of which we may not know how to answer.  I suspect my son or my stepsons will hit me with a few I would prefer to hand off to my wife.

However, we dads have the opportunity to approach these subjects with authority and wise instruction.

For several years, I had no other “parent” to help out with these types of questions and I took some great advice from my son’s therapist…only answer the questions your kid asks.

My hat is off to the single dads who have girls – they have an entirely different set of issues and questions to answer.  And if any dads raising girls have any input/advice for fellow travelers, please share in the comment section below.

While I complain about ED commercials during Spider-Man movies, the fact is football games are probably worse.

In any event, let us try to be dads who invite questions, give wise answers, and encourage healthy growth in our kids.

Has your kid asked an awkward question or made a stunning statement during a family gathering?  Please share!

The Power Of A Thank You

Leave a reply

Writing a post about thanks on Thanksgiving Week seems cliche, and most certainly is.  But, thank you for indulging me.

Yesterday’s sermon at church reminded me how much Jimmy Fallon has changed the nature of the thank you note, and it reminded me about the importance of remembering those who have been generous with their time, talents and resources.

Photo Credit: meri_rose via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: meri_rose via Compfight cc

After the divorce, I became a full-time dad while already filling the role of a full-time employee.  I was blessed with many friends who lent a hand or word of advice.  My family traveled to help me out when work took me out of town.  A friend gave generously when it came to helping me get my son to visit his mom in another state.

Think about your situation.  Who has helped you be the best dad you can be under difficult circumstances?  Who has watched your kid when she was ill and you had to go to work?

Make a list of those people.

Get a box of simple notecards.

Start writing.

You will make their day.

How To Tackle Tough Subjects With Your Kids

Leave a reply

Last night, dinner conversation turned to the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.

We had seven people at the table with four under 14 and three between 40-60.  Perspectives varied based on snippets from the news, political views, emotional reactions, and forming views based on respected opinions.

Photo Credit: Zed The Dragon via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Zed The Dragon via Compfight cc

I could not help but think about other difficult conversations.  Especially those between me and my son about the divorce.  It reminded me how important our job as dads is in helping our kids formulate opinions, inform their perspectives, and take on an attitude of learning.

Here are a few helpful guidelines:

  • Only answer questions they ask.  My son’s therapist, when asked about good tactics to discuss the birds and the bees, instructed me to answer questions honestly and to only answer the questions asked.  In other words, if asked if babies grow in mommy’s stomach, just answer the specific question and do not begin to tell them how the baby got there.  Keep an open, honest dialogue going with your kids so they will be willing to ask you questions as they come up.  Do not overwhelm them with details and information they likely cannot process anyway.  You may find yourself taking conversations a step further, but rely on common sense and age-appropriateness.
  • Allow them to own their emotions.  If your kids express fear of a terrorist attack or sorrow about the loss of a parent through divorce or death or deployment, affirm their feelings.  Find ways to help them process those by telling about a time where you felt the same thing. If they feel heard with respect to their emotional reaction, they will probably be more open to the rational/logical follow up you may want to share with them.  I remember the fear I felt in the 80s during the height of the Cold War – as unlikely as nuclear war may have been, I went to bed many nights afraid of Russia attacking the US.  I can now tell my son about the value of recognizing fear but not allowing it to paralyze me.
  • Encourage learning.  This may not work quite as well with respect to the three D’s (divorce, death, and deployment), but when it comes to world events or “monsters in the closet”, find ways to help your kids learn more and help them inform their reactions and feelings.  I remember being very scared of monsters as a young boy.  I checked out a book from the library at my elementary school about monster movies which demystified them.  I saw the transformations of the actors by makeup artists and while I still had some fear, I knew Bela Lugosi and Lon Cheney, Jr. were the ones scaring me…not the real thing.

As our kids get older, the conversations get more interesting, engaging, and often more complex.  Consider what voice you want to have with your kids and how you will ensure to be part of their conversations.

What difficult conversation have you had with your kids?  What lessons did you learn from it?

The Other Man In Your Kid’s Life

Leave a reply

I felt my chest tighten as my son kept telling stories about his new stepdad.

A mixture of panic and jealousy flooded my mind and I desperately wanted to remind my son how much I love him and how much cooler I am.

But I sat, listened, and did my best to affirm the relationship with the other man in his life.

Intellectually, we all know not to create unnecessary strife and tension between the two residences…especially when we know, as custodial parents, our kids will spend the majority of time with us.  But, man it is hard to do.

So what are some of my lessons learned?

  • Don’t freak out if stepdad’s job is “cooler” than yours.  My son has recently been talking about following in the other guy’s footsteps.  Nothing hits you in the gut quite like that.  My son is 11, and (in addition to stepdad’s occupation) he still kind of wants to be a lumberjack, baker, or Navy SEAL.  The best course of action I have found is to begin to ask questions about each of the possible occupations and give him the opportunity to learn more and inform his eventual choice.
  • Don’t try to control the situation when your kids are not in your custody.  You may want to try to dictate how much time your kids will spend with the other guy (and in some cases…depending on your particular legal situation…you might actually have some control), but if your custody decree is anything like mine, your ex is the one determining what happens during her visitation time.  I know…easier said than done…but my stress levels have noticeably dropped since letting go of stressing over something I cannot affect.
  • You are the parent figure in your kids’ lives.  You likely have your kids the majority of the time and, therefore, have more influence over them.  The less time you spend thinking about what you do not control, the more time you can spend investing time and energy with your kids when you do have them.

Do your kids spend time with a stepdad or significant other at their mom’s home?  If so, what have you learned about having another man in their lives?  What has been most challenging for you?

FLASHBACK – One Big Mistake Single Dads Make

Leave a reply

My son and I just got back from a long weekend of turkey hunting (turns out it was not a weekend of turkey killing, but awesome nonetheless).  More new content next week, but in honor of a full weekend great times and a few mistakes here and there, I thought I would pull this one up out of the archive.  

 

There was the time my son watched 2 straight hours of Ultimate Spider-Man while my fingers pecked away at emails and a memo for a client.

There was the time I forgot about his spelling test the next day and I did not review the words with him.

Stop and think about the times you wish you could hit the redo button with your kids.

Did any involve something you said to them?  Did you exact too harsh a punishment without explanation?  Let them get too close to danger?  Did you mIss an opportunity to have a teachable moment?

All of those might resonate with you (or will resonate one of these days), so what do we do about them?

Live, learn and let go.

We make a big mistake by worrying about our parental missteps and holding on to them.  We must recognize we will stumble and fall as parents, but we can pick ourselves up and learn from those failures.

Maybe the guilt associated with our kids not having a mom around most or all of the time eats at us and magnifies our mistakes.  Maybe our drive as providers kicks in to overdrive as single dads (along with hyper-criticism of our performance).

Whatever your mistakes, learn from them and become a better dad.  Kids can forgive and, based on what my son told me, understand we do not get it right every time.

What was a mistake you made and what was your lesson-learned?

Another Birthday…Already?? Making Memories Without Going Crazy

Leave a reply

“When I was a kid…”

We have all said those words since having our own kids. My birthday parties in the 1970s and early 1980s seemed awesome – several friends came over to my house for some games and cake and ice cream. And I got presents – especially awesome in 1977 when the original Star Wars came out. The action figures made sweet gifts!

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

Now, many birthdays have become expensive two hour events at party factories – cycling in group after group for 75 minutes of play and 45 minutes of cardboard pizza, soda, cake and presents. All for a mere $300.

WHAT?!?

Some of you may have pockets full of Benjamins, but most of us try to watch our money closely.

So, how do we make awesome birthdays without destroying the budget and spending another two-hour block at the bounce house gymnasium?

1 – Ask your kid for two or three options.  You never know what they will come up with as options, and you may be pleasantly surprised they want a simple swim/video game/sleepover party at your home.  Granted, those can be exhausting, but make great memories.

2 – Budget for it…even if it is at a party factory.  No matter what, build birthday parties and gifts into your personal budget.  If you do not have a personal budget, set a goal to create one.  Little things at parties can become quite expensive…one time I tried to make fancy gift bags for 15 kids and just about went broke buying cheap plastic crap.

3 – Come up with a DIY party at home.  So, pretend your kid does not come up with any great or realistic ideas.  Make up your own themed party.  For boys – nothing beats water balloon and shaving cream fights in the back yard (or the yard of a good friend or relative).  For girls – buy some cake mix and have them do cupcake decorations and then rent a karaoke machine.  This process also helps you learn more about your kid’s interests.

4 – Plan a one-on-one event.  One year my son kept asking me to take him fishing.  So, I surprised him with a fishing trip and told him it would replace his 8th birthday party.  We have some incredible memories and he never missed having a party – instead we both got some amazing quality time and some great fish stories to tell.  This could end up costing some money, so do not forget to budget for it.

This year, we celebrated my son’s 11th birthday with family in the mountains and had a small gathering the following weekend with a couple of his buddies.  Again, we shared many memories from both events and managed to keep spending under control.

What unique spin on the usual birthday party do you want to try this year?