Tag Archives: fatherhood

FLASHBACK – “Ts” of Single Fatherhood – Thanks

Yesterday, my son returned from his summer visitation with my ex.  The plan is to resume with new content next week!

In the meantime, please do me two favors: 1) please forward a link to ftdad.org to any of your friends who you think would benefit, and 2) please send an email to contact@ftdad.org if you have any topic suggestions – I’m always anxious to hear from readers and get input.

I stood there in the climbing harness, unable to get comfortable despite the constant adjusting. The crisp mountain air felt great and almost made me forget the discomfort.

I looked up at the obstacle course at Flagstaff Extreme and honestly thought the wire lines did not look very high, at least compared to what I anticipated.

I dominated the instruction/demo course which sat a full four feet above the ground. Bring on the real deal.

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Lesson learned. Looking up at a wire or obstacle 25 feet from the ground could not compare with looking down at the ground from 25 feet. I had some serious puckering going on up there.

We all know the power of perspective. A slightly different angle. A differing opinion. The wisdom of an elder. A pair of glasses. Each can completely change what we see.

Take a moment to forget the cooking, the laundry, the bills, the toys on the ground, the crying, the dirty shoes, the glitter, the homework, the little league team, the Wiggles, and the Lego you just stepped on.

Take a moment to adjust your perspective and express thanks you can call yourself “dad”.

Tell your kids “thanks” for something they did no matter how small.

Incorporate “thanks” (or gratitude or gratefulness…whichever resonates with you) for fatherhood and your kids into your prayers, your conversations, and your thoughts – especially when chaos reigns.

When you have those “pucker” moments with your kids, just remember to be thankful you have the privilege of being a dad. It may help you be a better one. And I, for one, could use the help sometimes.

FLASHBACK – Sex, Drugs, Violence and Dirty Words

In one week, my son will return from his summer visitation with my ex.  For the next couple weeks, I will post some of my favorite posts and then resume with new content.

In the meantime, please do me two favors: 1) please forward a link to ftdad.org to any of your friends who you think would benefit, and 2) please send an email to contact@ftdad.org if you have any topic suggestions – I’m always anxious to hear from readers and get input.

Enjoy the end of summer…

My son and I sat down to watch a classic movie with a PG rating – Beetlejuice.  

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

I had fond memories of the 1988 movie – the Tim Burtonesque feel, the comic genius of Michael Keaton, and the Banana Boat Song.  And it was not even a PG-13 film like Iron Man or The Avengers – both of which he saw and I had no problem with.

I had forgotten a few critical scenes, words, and concepts my son might not have been ready to take in.  I had forgotten a PG rating in the 1980s could be just this side of an R rating.  Watching it again, I wonder if Beetlejuice should have been rated PG-13.

I began talking with other dads about this.  There was the one who showed his son The Bad News Bears having forgotten about the amount of language and drinking in that PG film.

We have also talked about our tendency, especially with our boys, to afford more leniency with violence than we do sex and nudity.  How can we show them Braveheart and The Patriot because of the overarching story and message and turn our heads at the brutality, violence and blood?

I have another friend who will allow for a moderate level of violence in the media his son consumes, but draws the line when the story involves the mistreatment and disrespect of women.  But even those story lines can provide great opportunity for conversation about the consequences of being a jerk toward women.

So, what is the right answer?  Do we let the Motion Picture Association of America decide what our kids can watch based on their age and MPAA guidelines?  Do we say “no” to everything with adult content?  Do we shelter our kids as long as we can?

I do not have all the answers and, frankly, have quite a few questions.

Even if I censor the content at home, my son still goes to school, still visits friends (with older siblings), still rides in the car and sees billboards for local adult boutiques and Captain Morgan Rum.

I want to hear what you think, but here is my attempt to develop some boundaries:

  • Stay engaged in your kids’ lives and know what media they consume.  This seems like the first, logical step.  Ignorance is not bliss.
  • Educate yourself on the content they want to consume.  I routinely use sites like IMDBKids-In-Mind, and Common Sense Media to get reviews and recommendations about the content my son consumes.  He usually knows which films I will say “no” to, but often I need more information – especially if I have not seen it before and want a sense about what he will see.  Some of the sites even give you topics to discuss following the movie.
  • They probably know what you watch, so do not be surprised if they think the same content is OK for them.  In the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do category, our kids take cues from us, so if you do not want them watching horror movies, you may want to reconsider your Friday the 13th movie marathon.  They can see the “recently watched” shows on Netflix just like you can.
  • Engage in the discussion with your kids.   I remember watching a movie called Phantasm at a friend’s house when I was in late elementary or early junior high.  For whatever reason, I could barely go get the mail in broad daylight for several days after seeing it.  I was just waiting for the Tall Man to jump out from behind a tree or show up behind me when I looked in a mirror.  I have told my son about that experience, and it may have tempered his desire to watch a horror movie…for the time being.  Be honest about why you set boundaries on the movies they watch and let it be a conversation, not just a lecture.

What limits have you set on movie/TV content for your kids?  How do you approach the subject with them?

Father’s Day Without Kids

I read an interesting post on Facebook yesterday.  A friend of mine posted how, despite loving his kids deeply, he really wanted to be left alone for Father’s Day.  You could feel the guilt he felt bleeding through the monitor.  But he still posted it for all to see.

I get it.

As dads, we relish in those moments of peace and quiet where we can get outdoors, watch the game, read a book, work on a project, or do absolutely nothing without interruption.

Photo Credit: JasonTuno via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: JasonTuno via Compfight cc

For those of us who are or have been the primary caregivers, moments of peace and quiet are few and far between.  Just when you get the kids down for a nap, you remember laundry must be done.

Based on our custody arrangement, my son is always with me on Mother’s Day and always with his mom on Father’s Day.  So, I’m always without my son except for a few moments on FaceTime.

But I am OK with it.

My perception of holidays has changed in the several years since the divorce.  Instead of focusing on the day the calendar (or Hallmark) tells me to focus on, I have a more holistic view.

I place high value on the moments I am with my son.  They pass much too quickly.

I place high value on the time I have without him…time where I can take care of myself, invest in my wife and stepsons, and pursue interests.

I place high value on knowing the holiday is not as important as the moments in between.

Let’s make those in between moments count.

What holiday/special day would you most miss spending with your kids?

Practicing Dinnertime Manners

Our blended family of six usually sits at the kitchen island for meals.  Only steps away, our dining room table plays host to some stacks of homework.

With four boys in a variety of evening activities, dinner has become much more informal in these final weeks of school.  Puppies run through the house, we shuttle kids from one practice to another.  My oldest stepson finishes 8th grade soon and he has dinners, dances, and banquets.

Photo Credit: Kuba Abramowicz via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Kuba Abramowicz via Compfight cc

Chaos was winning.  Manners were losing.

My wife had a great idea.  We needed to revive dinner in the dining room.  Napkins.  Silverware, Candles.

Waiting for everyone to sit before saying the prayer and eating.  Elbows off the table.  No talking with food in your mouth.

We did this last night, and had one of the best dinners we had had in weeks.  We had a great conversation, lots of laughs, and everyone even ate their broccoli.

Granted, we did bribe them with pizookie (a decadent cookie dessert) if everyone behaved.

But, even without the dessert, the time at the table was more enjoyable for everyone.  They proved to us and to themselves they had not forgotten how to act politely.

Looking at the family calendar, we may not all sit at the table again for several days, but we will do this again…pizookie or not.

What bad habits do you model at the dinner table?  Have you ever sent your kid to bed without dinner for bad manners?

To Snapchat Or Not To Snapchat, That Was His Question

My 11-year-old  son embarked on a mission to download Snapchat onto his iPod.

He began by sending my ex a text message asking her if he could sign up for Snapchat.  She then texted me to discuss the request.  Fortunately, we both agreed he had no good reason to sing up for the service.

Photo Credit: mobilyasam via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: mobilyasam via Compfight cc

Later in the evening he breathlessly explained how Snapchat allows you to take photos of yourself and edit them to make it appear as if a rainbow was shooting out of your mouth…or you could even do something along the lines of making you look something like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A wave of relief swept over me.

Since he does not have a phone and the only contact number/emails for FaceTime are of family, I did not expect he wanted to use Snapchat for sexting or anything along those lines, but I am still hesitant to let him begin down the social media path.

I have heard him comment about the desire to have people see pictures or videos he has made and “like” them.  Another trap of social media…probably for discussion another day.

I did find an excellent guide for parents to learn more about social media concerns and which apps we should learn more about.  The article appeared on Common Sense Media – “9 Social Media Red Flags Parents Should Know About” – and I recommend you read it.

For now, I will search out an app my son can use to take silly photos without the requirement to sign up for social media.  If you have any suggestions, let me know.

What social media apps do your kids use and how did you decide to let them begin using them?

FLASHBACK – Laundry Sucks

The past few weeks, I have written about the idea of excitement and wonder.  This weekend, we faced a mountain of laundry and this post came to mind…

Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch. Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not. The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within. I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm. I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them. Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

  • Get rid of the front loader/HE washer. I admit front loader washing machines look cool. They save on water. They use less energy. But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles. I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs. You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
  • Work out your laundry schedule. Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day. Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering. You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house. Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry. Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours. Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
  • Teach your kids how to care for clothes. Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again. Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try. Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin. Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.
  • Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad. You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud. In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
  • Wash towels and rugs separately. Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes. I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes. I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
  • Bring your kids into the experience. If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry. Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time. They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers. Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry? Any tips you can share?

Helping Your Kids Deal With Disappointment

As a kid, I loved watching Get Smart – the classic Mel Brooks sitcom starring Don Adams as the clumsy Agent 86.

I had several snub-nosed cap guns which looked just like the one Agent 86 had.  I pretended to have a phone in my shoe.  But, I was much more clever and did not have an “Agent 99” in my life.  Just buddies who loved to play spy games.

In 1979, Ideal came out with a new game – “Electronic Detective.”  And on the cover of the box was none other than Don Adams (aka Maxwell Smart).

Photo Credit: Detective Computer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Detective Computer via Compfight cc

I had to have this game for my birthday.  I showed it to my mom in the store and explained it was worth every one of the $20 or so dollars it cost.

It took forever for my birthday to arrive…I could not turn 10 quickly enough.  And finally, the big day arrived.

Looking back, I do not have any idea what I got for my 10th birthday, but I do know it did not include the “Electronic Detective” game.

I must not have contained my disappointment very well because I did end up getting it for Christmas.

Today’s post is not to encourage you to teach your kids to whine and act disappointed when they do not get what they want, but to remind you we were likely disappointed as kids.  We may have been disappointed by our parents, by our friends, by not having the cool stuff other kids had, or by not having the same skills as our friends.

When my son gets disappointed, instead of jumping to the lecture, I need to first remember what it feels like…from a kid’s perspective.  When I get disappointed as an adult, I have the benefit of experience and wisdom to help me process.  My son does not have those years and examples to draw from.  To him, it can sting bad.

For example, last Friday night he got in the truck after flag football practice and you would have thought someone died.  He told me he will never get to play offense and another one of the kids took his role as kicker.

I almost went into lecture mode, but instead asked him a few questions.  Why did he think he lost the job as kicker?  Would he like to get the job back?  If so, how?  What would it take to change the coach’s mind?

It seemed to help him process the realities, but did not appear to motivate him to practice (in his defense, he had never kicked before).  He needed to process it all.

My job, I think, was to let him know I understood his disappointment, was interested in his observations, and was willing to help him if he chose to take me up on it.

On Saturday morning, we had to stop by the sports store to grab another mouth guard (how do these kids destroy/lose so many mouth guards???) and he saw a kicking tee.  He asked me if I would get it so we could practice kicking.

It seems he handed disappointment better than I did back in ’79.

How have you prepared your kids to deal with disappointment or helped them get out of the funk?

Letting Go When We Foster Wonder In Our Kids

Several weeks ago, I wrote about letting kids be kids and not crushing those things they find amazing (like Red Lobster) and about giving them some hope when innocence is lost (when the Easter Bunny loses its magic).

In the spirit of this brilliant approach to parenting, I have had to watch my son transform his mountain bike (his first 26″ bike which he actually trail rides with) into…well…a thing of wonder.

Photo by author

Photo by author

A little bit about me.  Depending on who you ask, I have “mild” Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But doesn’t everyone put their CDs in alphabetical order, by genre, with the CD in each case in proper alignment?

I didn’t think so.

I also have an aversion to bumper stickers or anything you might put on a vehicle to give other drivers information about you.  Just in case they do not like my alma mater, my politics, my clubs, or the school my kid is an honor student at.

Plus, those bumper stickers may permanently stick…a thought which freaks me out.

Apparently, my son does not share my idiosyncrasies.

He takes great pride in what he and his stepbrothers did to his bike.  All the way down to the air freshener on the handlebars.

Photo by author

Photo by author

I had to fight the impulse to ask him how he was going to get his bike back to normal, and realize he had a blast decorating it and loves riding around the neighborhood, honking the horn and blinding drivers with the reflection off his wheels.

I do not know how long this will last, but I have learned to take a deep breath and not worry about how he will get his bike back to normal.  I just need to enjoy watching him enjoy it.

Unless he puts on a bumper sticker.

Have you let your kid get creative despite the fact the original “canvas” may never be the same again?