Tag Archives: ex

Father’s Day Without My Son

Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion. Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community. Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day. And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks. I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home. Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages. And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat. I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids? What was your take-away from the experience? No big deal? A little guilt? Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Recharging Dad

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I got my son an awesome gift for Christmas. In fact, I want one, too.

When he unwrapped the Traxxas Slash, I do not know which of us was more excited. This remote controlled car not only can hit 30 MPH, but can take a beating – a beating only a 10-year-old can dish out.

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

As you can imagine, the battery is the weak link. The seven cell battery pack can last up to 25 minutes. That is unless my son drives it – he does not go any speed other than full throttle and full stop.

Being a single dad feels like being at full throttle or full stop most of the time. Full stop pretty much comes when you sleep. Full throttle is the rest of your waking hours.

OK, maybe I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

As I have mentioned, my son spends the summer months with my ex in another state, so I have the perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries.

But I have one problem…I am not always sure how to recharge.

Do I recharge by binge watching Daredevil? Do I spend eight weeks at the gym? Do I read the 18-inch high stack of books I have ignored on my nightstand? Do I reconnect with old friends I do not see often?

Many guys have trouble figuring out what they need to recharge. In the coming weeks, I want to explore what it looks like for me and maybe help you to maximize those moments.

What do “recharge” moments look like for you?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer. The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request. The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes. But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage. I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection. Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt. If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire. Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away. I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime. In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him. Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad. When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids? How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

What To Consider Before Dating Or Remarriage

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“It’s not you, it’s me.”

I sat down the two decaf Americanos from Lux on the round table in his office, just as I had several times before. I buy the coffee and he gives me his time and good counsel at the end of his work day.

Photo Credit: – luz – via Compfight cc

My friend and I had both experienced the pain of divorce, and while our stories differed we shared several commonalities. His divorce happened nearly 20 years before mine and he was kind enough to walk the journey with me.

This meeting occurred after my divorce, and I had recently gone out on a date with a single mom – my first date since the separation and divorce. I cannot say I was excited about the prospects of having to begin dating all over again, but I recounted the date and the woman with enthusiasm.

I described her personality, her background, her job with great care, not wanting to miss a detail, as if I intended to have my friend vote for her for some pageant or competition.

I can see my friend’s face as clearly as when we sat in his office that day. He expressed some level of happiness just to see me so enthusiastic. When I finished, however, he sat quietly. He paused longer than I had expected. Then he spoke words I would not forget and would repeat often to myself and others.

“No matter how wonderful she is and how different she is from your ex-wife, the most important factor in any successful relationship you enter depends on how much you have changed and grown from how you were before.”

My friend knew every detail of how I contributed to my marriage’s failure. He knew the pain and guilt. He saw my progress. He needed to remind me not to place the burden of a successful relationship on anyone else but me.

Both of us know it takes two. But for me, dipping my toe back in the dating pool, the reminder was essential.

I needed to know exactly who I was in the relationship and not pretend a new face would ensure success.

Not long after, my friend moved away for work and I miss him dearly. I want to thank him again for speaking words of wisdom and investing in me – it made a difference.

Did you begin dating again before you were ready? How did you know when you were ready? Who do you have in your life to give you wise counsel?

Make Sure Your Kids Celebrate Their Mom’s Birthday

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My son spends both my birthday and my ex’s birthday with me. He is young enough to have limited ability or interest to keep track of any more than his birthday, Christmas, and whether or not it is Friday so he does not have to go to school the next day.

I felt badly waking up on my birthday this year and casually telling my son what day it was. He felt badly he did not know and gave me a big hug.

Photo Credit: Robots are Stupid via Compfight cc

We do not have family in town to remind him to make me a card (no glitter please…I hate that stuff) or wake me up to a cheery rendition of “Happy Birthday” at the crack of dawn. And I am OK with that, although I am sure there is a better way.

But what to do with my ex’s birthday? Despite the physical and emotional distance between the two of us, making sure my son knows about her birthday and making sure he sends a card and speaks with her must be a priority.

I have no interest in spending money on my ex, but the cost of a card or supplies to make a card (including glitter if he wants to send her some) is worth every penny. Me reminding him about mom’s birthday allows him to connect with her and not feel tension he may experience at other times. It helps maintain an emotional connection and allows for positive interaction between the two of them.

So, here is what I recommend:

Set a calendar reminder about one week before your ex’s birthday. That gives you enough time to go with your kid to pick out a card or gather the supplies to make one for her.
Do not dictate the message. Let the card be 100 percent from your kid – mom’s know what words are theirs and which ones are yours.
Make sure your kid calls or FaceTimes mom on her birthday. Let him know you recognize it is an important day – just like his and yours.

You will see benfits to doing this:

You will gain trust with your kid. He understands something painful happened between you and mom, and knows you actively engage him with significant events in mom’s life.
You may see improved co-parenting because this fosters trust and appreciation with your ex. Can’t hurt…might help.
You may encourage reciprocal actions on the part of your ex.

We all need to heal from our divorces. Holding on to anger and disappointment does not allow for healing. Channeling our anger through our kids harms everyone, so find a way to have them acknowledge and celebrate important events in your ex’s life.

How do you celebrate your birthday with your kids?

FaceTime, Your Ex, And Your Kid

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Depending on your parenting agreement (and probably the age of your kid), you may have a regular schedule for communication between your ex and your kid. You may also have received input from a therapist or parenting coordinator for building some regularity and consistency into that communication.

Photo Credit: Camila Leite Oliveira via Compfight cc

For a time, my son (in kindergarten at the time) and my ex spoke via Skype every day at 6pm. Because of certain technological constraints, we had to be at the house each day at the appointed time – not always an easy or convenient task. But it came at a crucial time where the regular vocal and visual connection made a difference. I do not have scientific data or double-blind placebo tests to prove anything, but I know my son benefited from the time with his mom.

Fast forward a few years and my son and my ex communicate differently. Between FaceTime on his iPad, texting on his iPad, and phone calls with my phone – they find their own groove.

What advice would I give you with respect to facilitating communication between your kid and your ex?

Assuming there is no legal or therapeutic guidance to restrict communication, here are three thoughts:

Never force your kid to speak to mom. While your intention to ensure keeping to a schedule promotes consistency, your kid may have the occasional off-day. If you force conversation, it could make it seem like a punishment. Instead, you may try informing your ex about the circumstance and also encourage your child to send a text message, pose for a picture you could send her, or write a note/draw a picture you could scan and email. You will know if your kid uses this as manipulation, but my recollection is my son had the occasional day he just did not want to talk and did not make it a habit.

Remind your kid to reach out to mom. As kids age they get caught up with friends, homework, hobbies, and any number of distractions. Make a point to ask if they’ve spoken or texted with mom lately. Not only does this promote connectedness between mom and kid, but it also communicates you care about their relationship.

Do not eavesdrop. Many court-ordered parenting agreements already require privacy, but sometimes, with mobile devices and the normal course of walking through the house to do everything you have to do, you will hear parts and pieces of the conversation between kid and mom. Do your best to minimize and give them privacy.

You have been given the gift of custody of your kids, and the emotion linked to your ex can be strong. I encourage you to take a step back from those emotions and make sure you appropriately nurture as positive a relationship between kid and mom as possible – I believe your kid will benefit. I have seen it in my son. If you have a question about it, ask a counselor, parenting coordinator, or your lawyer. It never hurts to get a second opinion from a neutral party.

What suggestions do you have to promote healthy communication between your kid and your ex?

Your Child Always Hears What You Say About Your Ex

How To Talk To Your Kid About Your Divorce And Your Ex

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Divorce leads kids to ask a ton of questions. How we answer has dramatic implications for everyone involved.

Depending on the age, these questions can range from innocent fact-gathering to downright prying. I have gotten questions ranging from:

“Why are you and mom getting a divorce?”

“Why can’t you and mom stay married?”

“Why do I live with you most of the time?”

“Do you hate mom?”

Prior to the divorce, my ex and I separated. During that time, my son asked a lot of questions…not unlike those listed above. My objective – based on counseling from professionals, ministers, and friends – was to never make a negative comment or use a negative/sarcastic tone of voice when speaking about his mom.

My answers to his questions were general and somewhat wordy. I consistently reminded him the separation (and later divorce) was not his fault. I never felt like I was communicating clearly and sometimes begged more questions.

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I asked professionals for some additional input. Here’s what I got: “Be a broken record. Memorize a script and say it every time you get asked a question about the divorce or the custody situation.”

To this day, over four years after receiving residential custody, I use that script. “Your mom and I both love you very much. You are not the reason we got a divorce.” There are a few more lines in the script related to our specific residential custody situation, but you get the idea.

Find your words and stick to them. If you are able to reassure your kids that both you and their mom loves them, do so.

My son isn’t quite to double-digits in age. I know he’s going to continue to mature and ask questions. I will continue to seek advice on how to answer at an age-appropriate level. At the end of the day, the words coming from my mouth need to foster and preserve relationship and not tear it down.

What is your script? What have you learned about answering your kids’ questions?

FULL-TIME DAD

Equipping single dads

Tag Archives: ex

Father’s Day Without My Son

Recharging Dad

Saying Goodbye To My Son

What To Consider Before Dating Or Remarriage

Make Sure Your Kids Celebrate Their Mom’s Birthday

FaceTime, Your Ex, And Your Kid

Your Child Always Hears What You Say About Your Ex

How To Talk To Your Kid About Your Divorce And Your Ex