Mother’s Day Without Mom

Leave a reply

Yesterday morning, my stepsons woke up early (by 10 minutes) and I took the early shift with the puppies so my wife could sleep in.

The boys whipped up eggs, bacon and toast.  I made her favorite morning beverage…my pour over coffee with a splash of heavy cream.

Photo Credit: Aes D via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Aes D via Compfight cc

My son watched all the activity.

My stepsons loaded up the TV tray and, along with my son, brought breakfast in bed to my wife.

I closely watched my son during the joyous interaction between the boys and their mom.  His face betrayed his sadness as he watched kids with their mom, knowing his was over 1,700 miles away.

He quietly slipped out of the room and I followed.

As I held on to him, I asked if watching his stepbrothers serve their mom breakfast in bed made him sad.

“A little.”

I’m no expert, but he may have underestimated.

I hugged him, affirmed how he felt, and reminded him he could celebrate Mother’s Day on Father’s Day since it falls during his summer visitation with his mom.

People say kids are resilient.  Yes, divorce hurts, but they adapt and adjust.

I partially agree.

My son (and even my stepsons) demonstrate great resilience, but the sense of loss never completely disappears.

I am reminded about my sense of loss when my son misses milestones with me and must remember he has those same feelings about his mom.  The gift I can give him on Mother’s Day is the acknowledgment of his hurt and the assurance he is loved…by both of us.

How do your kids react when they miss a significant holiday or event with their mom?

To Snapchat Or Not To Snapchat, That Was His Question

3 Replies

My 11-year-old  son embarked on a mission to download Snapchat onto his iPod.

He began by sending my ex a text message asking her if he could sign up for Snapchat.  She then texted me to discuss the request.  Fortunately, we both agreed he had no good reason to sing up for the service.

Photo Credit: mobilyasam via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: mobilyasam via Compfight cc

Later in the evening he breathlessly explained how Snapchat allows you to take photos of yourself and edit them to make it appear as if a rainbow was shooting out of your mouth…or you could even do something along the lines of making you look something like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A wave of relief swept over me.

Since he does not have a phone and the only contact number/emails for FaceTime are of family, I did not expect he wanted to use Snapchat for sexting or anything along those lines, but I am still hesitant to let him begin down the social media path.

I have heard him comment about the desire to have people see pictures or videos he has made and “like” them.  Another trap of social media…probably for discussion another day.

I did find an excellent guide for parents to learn more about social media concerns and which apps we should learn more about.  The article appeared on Common Sense Media – “9 Social Media Red Flags Parents Should Know About” – and I recommend you read it.

For now, I will search out an app my son can use to take silly photos without the requirement to sign up for social media.  If you have any suggestions, let me know.

What social media apps do your kids use and how did you decide to let them begin using them?

FLASHBACK – Laundry Sucks

Leave a reply

The past few weeks, I have written about the idea of excitement and wonder.  This weekend, we faced a mountain of laundry and this post came to mind…

Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch. Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not. The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within. I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm. I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them. Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

  • Get rid of the front loader/HE washer. I admit front loader washing machines look cool. They save on water. They use less energy. But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles. I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs. You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
  • Work out your laundry schedule. Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day. Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering. You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house. Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry. Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours. Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
  • Teach your kids how to care for clothes. Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again. Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try. Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin. Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.
  • Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad. You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud. In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
  • Wash towels and rugs separately. Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes. I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes. I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
  • Bring your kids into the experience. If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry. Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time. They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers. Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry? Any tips you can share?

Helping Your Kids Deal With Disappointment

Leave a reply

As a kid, I loved watching Get Smart – the classic Mel Brooks sitcom starring Don Adams as the clumsy Agent 86.

I had several snub-nosed cap guns which looked just like the one Agent 86 had.  I pretended to have a phone in my shoe.  But, I was much more clever and did not have an “Agent 99” in my life.  Just buddies who loved to play spy games.

In 1979, Ideal came out with a new game – “Electronic Detective.”  And on the cover of the box was none other than Don Adams (aka Maxwell Smart).

Photo Credit: Detective Computer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Detective Computer via Compfight cc

I had to have this game for my birthday.  I showed it to my mom in the store and explained it was worth every one of the $20 or so dollars it cost.

It took forever for my birthday to arrive…I could not turn 10 quickly enough.  And finally, the big day arrived.

Looking back, I do not have any idea what I got for my 10th birthday, but I do know it did not include the “Electronic Detective” game.

I must not have contained my disappointment very well because I did end up getting it for Christmas.

Today’s post is not to encourage you to teach your kids to whine and act disappointed when they do not get what they want, but to remind you we were likely disappointed as kids.  We may have been disappointed by our parents, by our friends, by not having the cool stuff other kids had, or by not having the same skills as our friends.

When my son gets disappointed, instead of jumping to the lecture, I need to first remember what it feels like…from a kid’s perspective.  When I get disappointed as an adult, I have the benefit of experience and wisdom to help me process.  My son does not have those years and examples to draw from.  To him, it can sting bad.

For example, last Friday night he got in the truck after flag football practice and you would have thought someone died.  He told me he will never get to play offense and another one of the kids took his role as kicker.

I almost went into lecture mode, but instead asked him a few questions.  Why did he think he lost the job as kicker?  Would he like to get the job back?  If so, how?  What would it take to change the coach’s mind?

It seemed to help him process the realities, but did not appear to motivate him to practice (in his defense, he had never kicked before).  He needed to process it all.

My job, I think, was to let him know I understood his disappointment, was interested in his observations, and was willing to help him if he chose to take me up on it.

On Saturday morning, we had to stop by the sports store to grab another mouth guard (how do these kids destroy/lose so many mouth guards???) and he saw a kicking tee.  He asked me if I would get it so we could practice kicking.

It seems he handed disappointment better than I did back in ’79.

How have you prepared your kids to deal with disappointment or helped them get out of the funk?

Letting Go When We Foster Wonder In Our Kids

2 Replies

Several weeks ago, I wrote about letting kids be kids and not crushing those things they find amazing (like Red Lobster) and about giving them some hope when innocence is lost (when the Easter Bunny loses its magic).

In the spirit of this brilliant approach to parenting, I have had to watch my son transform his mountain bike (his first 26″ bike which he actually trail rides with) into…well…a thing of wonder.

Photo by author

Photo by author

A little bit about me.  Depending on who you ask, I have “mild” Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But doesn’t everyone put their CDs in alphabetical order, by genre, with the CD in each case in proper alignment?

I didn’t think so.

I also have an aversion to bumper stickers or anything you might put on a vehicle to give other drivers information about you.  Just in case they do not like my alma mater, my politics, my clubs, or the school my kid is an honor student at.

Plus, those bumper stickers may permanently stick…a thought which freaks me out.

Apparently, my son does not share my idiosyncrasies.

He takes great pride in what he and his stepbrothers did to his bike.  All the way down to the air freshener on the handlebars.

Photo by author

Photo by author

I had to fight the impulse to ask him how he was going to get his bike back to normal, and realize he had a blast decorating it and loves riding around the neighborhood, honking the horn and blinding drivers with the reflection off his wheels.

I do not know how long this will last, but I have learned to take a deep breath and not worry about how he will get his bike back to normal.  I just need to enjoy watching him enjoy it.

Unless he puts on a bumper sticker.

Have you let your kid get creative despite the fact the original “canvas” may never be the same again?

Teaching Our Kids About Manners

Leave a reply

I was a kid in the 1970s and my parents came to Arizona from farming communities in the midwest.  They raised me with many of the customs from their childhood…which makes perfect sense.

My parents taught me to open doors for everyone (especially ladies), to make eye contact when speaking to adults, and to always say “please” and “thank you.”  They did not have to deal with electronics at mealtime as so many of us battle against today.

young woman bored to date while her boyfriend having business cell on mobile phone

young woman bored to date while her boyfriend having business cell on mobile phone

As time has passed, I have had the sense “manners” have changed slightly.  Holding doors for people can be met with either thanks or indifference.  Rarely do I remember to stand when a lady gets up from the table.  I do, however, open the car door for my wife nearly every time we get into the car.

My son and stepsons pay close attention to my actions and I do my best to model good manners.  But I have wondered if any of what my parents taught me has changed.

Thankfully, I heard a podcast by the Art of Manliness about the subject, and I encourage each of you to give it a listen.  We have all heard of Emily Post, but I had no idea her family had kept her legacy alive and relevant.  You can find one of her old books in the used bookstore, but the modern Emily Post empire is alive, well, and keeping abreast of modern manners.

The podcast reminded me to keep up on my manners and gave me some tools to use with respect to email manners even text messaging.

We model behavior for our kids and it does not hurt to brush up on good manners so we can equip them to stand above the rest as they grow up.

Can you name one time your parent(s) asked you to leave the dinner table for bad manners?  Have you sent your kid to her/his room for bad behavior at the table?

Fostering Wonder In Our Kids – Part 2

Leave a reply

Shortly after the Good Friday service, my son inquired whether Easter morning might involve an egg hunt.  He asked in a nonchalant manner one would expect from an 11-year-old boy who desperately wants to hunt for eggs, but does not want to color them anymore or admit he still wants to hunt for eggs.

Photo Credit: watermarkimagingco via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: watermarkimagingco via Compfight cc

Fast forward to Easter morning.  My son emerges from his bedroom, blanket wrapped around him.  He proclaims “Happy Easter” to me and his stepmom.

We let the tension build for several minutes.

Finally, my wife said one of the puppies had found something interesting in the back yard.  You could notice my son looking out the windows and sliding glass door for some clue.  But, the small basket was invisible from his vantage point.  We suggested he go outside….

The little plastic Easter basket evoked a smile and we told him we re-hid one of the eggs (plastic) the puppy found.  He began the hunt, and drawing from several years of experience, had no trouble finding one dozen eggs.

He promptly opened them to find some coins, bills, and a coupon for him and a buddy to go to a local putt putt/amusement park he has been asking to go to.  Not a bad Easter.

Then the balloon popped.

Turns out the Easter egg hunt does not hold the same excitement it once did.  He had to admit it to us.

My wife then made a brilliant observation he seemed to appreciate and resulted in him perking up a bit.  She acknowledged as we get older, some of the things which amazed us as kids lose some of the wonder and mystery.  We figure out parents are Santa and the Easter Bunny.  The mystery of these amazing characters is replaced by the mystery about whether we will still get candy and gifts once we quit believing in them.

Then she offered some hope.

She told him as adults, we get to relive the wonder of being a kid when we become Santa and the Easter Bunny for our own kids, nieces and nephews, and later for our grandkids.  We get to be kids again, year after year.

My son may have just realized we enjoy these holidays just as much as he once did.  Maybe it will keep the wonder alive for another egg hunt or two.

I am already trying to come up with new hiding places for next year.

What is your favorite part about being a dad during holidays?

Fostering The Sense Of Wonder In Our Kids

1 Reply

Two nights ago, my wife and I asked the “youngers” (what I call the 10 and 11-year-old boys) what they wanted to do for a Saturday family fun night.  My two older stepsons were visiting my in-laws, so the youngers could choose anything they wanted.

“RED LOBSTER!”

Fear gripped me.  The thought of spending the same amount, if not more, for Red Lobster as I would at a truly excellent Mexican or Thai restaurant made me cringe.  It also reminded me of a book I read by Joe Queenan called “Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon” where he opined:

 The Red Lobster menu consisted almost entirely of batter cunningly fused with marginally aquatic foodstuffs and configured into clever geometric structures. I immediately began to suspect that the kitchen at Red Lobster consisted of one gigantic vat of grease in which plastic cookie molds resembling various types of food were inserted to create a structural resemblance to the specific item ordered. This was the only way to determine whether you were eating Buffalo wings or crabcakes. Technically, my dinner–The Admiral’s Feast–was a dazzling assortment of butterfly shrimp, fish filet, scallops, and some mysterious crablike entity. But in reality, everything tasted exactly like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Even the French fries.

But, I remembered getting excited to go to Red Lobster in the 1970s when my parents probably had the same reaction I did in 2016.

Photo by author.

Photo by author.

So, we loaded up in the truck and headed over to Red Lobster on a Saturday at 4:48pm so we could avoid the rush.  And I am glad we did.  By the time we finished at 5:50pm, the place crawled with predominately senior adults.

What is it about Red Lobster?  Is it the cheesy biscuits?  Is it the novelty of eating crab legs and shrimp?  Is it seeing the lobsters in the tank when you walk in?  The youngers confirmed each of those were awesome.

As we get older and responsibility increases…especially as single dads…we can lose sight of the awesome.  As my friend, @scottsavagelive, reminded his congregation yesterday, “familiarity kills wonder.”  Have I lost sight of the wonder and awesomeness of Red Lobster?

No, I tend to agree with Joe Queenan about the awesomeness of Red Lobster.  But I forget my son sees the things I find familiar in a completely different way.  He sees lobsters, paintings of lighthouses, nets on the walls, cheesy biscuits, peach lemonade, and the crab leg cracker with fresh eyes and a sense of it being special.  I see polyester and mediocre seafood.

However, I recognize as a dad I do not foster the sense of wonder enough.  I do not take enough time to ask him how he sees the world and what he finds amazing.

Engaging in this discussion with him may allow me a greater sense of awe for what I consider familiar, but is, indeed, amazing.  I want to foster a sense of excitement, not crush it.

What was amazing to you as a kid that your parents probably cringed at?  How could you foster a sense of wonder in your parenting?