My son informed me I do not have eyes in the back of my head. To which I inquired, “then how did I know you were playing on your iPad when you were not supposed to?”
He scrunched his face a little, appearing to think hard. “I don’t know, but you don’t have eyes in the back of your head.”
Our kids, on the other hand, have huge ears. Massive, Dumbo-like ears. They hear everything you do not want them hearing. Like that time you stubbed your toe on the table. Or that time you tried to plan a surprise birthday party and your kid overheard you on the phone inviting one of their friends.
They also hear everything related to your prior marriage. They do not really hear everything, but you must assume they do.
As best I know, I have not said an unkind word about my ex-wife or our divorce where my son was remotely nearby or able to hear. He has asked me questions and I answer those as appropriate (see my post on this topic). But as much as I have uncanny dad hearing, he has amazing kid hearing when he wants to. Why is it never when I ask him to clean his room? That discussion is for another day.
If your kids hear words said in anger or sarcasm or cruelty or revenge toward your ex, the damage will be significant and those words will not be forgotten. They put your kids in the position of reconciling those words about a parent they love without context, maturity, or wisdom to process. Bottom line: it does harm to everyone – including you.
If you find yourself needing to deal with conflict and issues involving your ex, talk to a therapist, clergy or a trusted friend. Venting where you kids could hear you might indicate you need to do some of your own relational work.
As time has passed since my divorce, emotions level out and I seem to think less about the issues surrounding my ex and more about how I have matured and changed as a man. If you find yourself recently wounded and angry, I get it and understand the desire to vent. But know your kids will be wounded if they hear you saying anything negative about their mom.
I also understand some of you may be in a situation where their mom could pose a real threat to your kids’ safety. Even in that case, I would encourage you to seek help from a professional who can give you words and tools to help your kids cope.
If you said something negative about your ex, intentionally or not, in front of your kids, how did they react? What did you do next?