Category Archives: General

Do You Know How Much Your Kid Hurts?

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Few people can make you laugh and think as much as Jon Acuff.

I have seen Jon speak live twice (once at Donald Miller’s Storyline conference and once at the ICON Conference), and both times I found myself writing down some hysterical lines and some incredible wisdom.

A lame photo the author took of Jon Acuff on stage at the ICON Conference

A lame photo the author took of Jon Acuff on stage at the ICON Conference

At the ICON Conference, he asked the adult crowd if they had celebrated the gift of not being a teen with social media.  He went on to explain he had shaved a stripe in his eyebrow to look more like Vanilla Ice when he was in high school.

Not long after, he reminded the audience empathy was not just understanding what someone needs, but acting on it.

Last week, Jon wrote a blog post and it took my breath away.  You can read it now or after you finish this short post, but do read it.  Especially if you have primary custody of your kids.

Photo Credit: ashallowtown via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: ashallowtown via Compfight cc

My son lives with me between 41 and 43 weeks of the year.  That means he lives away from his mom the same number of weeks.

When I read Jon’s post, I first wondered if he sat next to my son this summer and got the age wrong or altered it to protect privacy.

Then I wondered if my son cries on his flights between our two homes.  Next, I wondered if I showed him either empathy or sympathy for the pain he endures being split between two parents he loves.

He and I have a solid relationship, but I could always do more to make sure he knows I love him and do not want him to ever feel badly about missing his mom or wanting to be with her.

Jon spoke the truth – divorce causes extraordinary pain, and as dads we need the reminder…especially when we have custody.

Effectively Bribing Your Kids (For Their Own Good)

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Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Two dollar bills, novelties themselves, seem to do the trick.

A few weeks ago I discussed using the Leadership Design Group’s eight dimensions of life as a baseline for finding balance in my life.  As I have pursued improvement in these dimensions, I find myself wondering how to get my son (and stepsons) thinking about how they develop and mature.

Not one of the four boys in my home even shave yet, so I do not expect any of them to sit down with books by Dale Carnegie, Seth Godin, or Marcus Buckingham.  Your home may have older kids who might read those types of books, but I suspect not.

So what can we, as dads, do to help them take a more holistic view of their lives and their development?

First, we can model it for them.  They see us trying to eat well, get some exercise, study, write, read, engage in healthy relationships, and laugh a lot.  They also see us struggle to eat well, get some exercise, study, write…well, you get the idea.  Bottom line: we talk about being lifetime learners and becoming better even though we do not always get it right or stay disciplined (sometimes we just want to watch a movie).

Second, we can bribe them.  And it might just work.

For the past few years, I have kept all my notes in a series of Moleskine journals.  I do not “journal” on a consistent basis, but I do keep notes/thoughts/observations/ideas in my journals.  It occurred to me I could help the kids start a journaling habit while encouraging them to consume some quality content, not just Minecraft videos on YouTube and The Maze Runner book series.

So, I made a few kid-friendly modifications to the descriptions for LDG’s eight dimensions, printed them out, and taped them into the front cover of their own personal journals.  Then, we all sat down and I explained the concept of our lives having multiple dimensions and how we need to pay attention to all aspects of our lives as we grow and mature.

Then came the bribe.

I told them they did not have to do this at all, but if any of them wanted to pick out one of the eight dimensions and let me pick out a book, article, or video for them to consume, I would pay them $2 to do it and write down a few sentences in their journal about it.  As an added bonus, I would discuss the content and their observations about it at no charge.

The results have been mixed.

The two 10-year-olds seem kind of excited to learn something new and get paid to do it.

Just yesterday, my youngest stepson asked about putting money in the bank.  So, I told him we could parle this conversation into a journal entry.  Together we watched a short video on compounding interest, we discussed it, he asked several questions, and then wrote down a few sentences about what he learned.  And he did not hesitate to take “Jefferson” out of my hands.

Only one of the boys has not taken me up on the offer, but he just sat in on the compounding interest lesson, so he may not be far off.

The idea of being able to pick out lessons, stories, or videos (TED talks can be very effective…especially with older kids) from sources you trust is only eclipsed by the ability to generate a positive conversation between you and your kids while letting an “expert” be the one to provide the lesson/lecture.  It gives you the opportunity to agree with a trusted figure rather than lecture.

We all know how much kids like lectures from parents.

I would love your feedback about this idea, and I would also appreciate suggestions about great content for kids related to their growth and development.

Essentials For The Single Dad – Friendship

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In my first blog post you will find a quote from C.S. Lewis acknowledging the power of friendship and community.  Over the course of experiencing single fatherhood, those words ring truer than ever.

Just last week I had the opportunity to visit The Eagle and Child pub in Oxford, England.  This is the place Lewis and several of his colleagues (notably J.R.R. Tolkien) went to drink a pint, smoke a pipe and develop their friendships.  Being there made me consider how much more I could invest in the lives of others and how much enjoyment comes from good drink, fine food, and rich relationships.

Photo by the author

Photo by the author

I have known too many fathers going through divorce, custody battles, counseling, their kids’ rebellion, financial stress, and the search for a new spouse.  We have taught each other, commiserated, challenged and encouraged one another.  Hopefully, this blog has played such a role for you.

My son does not come back from his time with my ex for another two weeks.  A few weeks ago I suggested we all take those rare moments when we do not have our kids around to consider where our lives may be out of balance.  This week, I suggest we look closely at our social lives – in particular, in our male friendships.

The Art of Manliness recently ran an excellent article on the subject of male friendship.  Think about the men in your life and figure out how you can benefit from those relationships and how you can pour your life into others who will benefit from your friendship and advice on being a dad.

We are all in this together…make a point to invest in friendships.  Doing so will ultimately benefit you, your friends, and your kids.

Who has been an indispensible friend through your divorce or entry into single-fatherhood?  How have you been a friend to someone going through an experience you have already endured?

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody.  For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness.  You know, the unpleasant emotions.  I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex.  The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me!  So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids?  How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way.  Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c)So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol).  If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently.  Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now.  And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today?  What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

Father’s Day Without My Son

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Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion.  Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community.  Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day.  And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks.  I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home.  Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages.  And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat.  I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids?  What was your take-away from the experience?  No big deal?  A little guilt?  Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Recharging Dad

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I got my son an awesome gift for Christmas.  In fact, I want one, too.

When he unwrapped the Traxxas Slash, I do not know which of us was more excited.  This remote controlled car not only can hit 30 MPH, but can take a beating – a beating only a 10-year-old can dish out.

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

As you can imagine, the battery is the weak link.  The seven cell battery pack can last up to 25 minutes.  That is unless my son drives it – he does not go any speed other than full throttle and full stop.

Being a single dad feels like being at full throttle or full stop most of the time.  Full stop pretty much comes when you sleep.  Full throttle is the rest of your waking hours.

OK, maybe I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

As I have mentioned, my son spends the summer months with my ex in another state, so I have the perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries.

But I have one problem…I am not always sure how to recharge.

Do I recharge by binge watching Daredevil?  Do I spend eight weeks at the gym?  Do I read the 18-inch high stack of books I have ignored on my nightstand?  Do I reconnect with old friends I do not see often?

Many guys have trouble figuring out what they need to recharge.  In the coming weeks, I want to explore what it looks like for me and maybe help you to maximize those moments.

What do “recharge” moments look like for you?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer.  The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request.  The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes.  But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage.  I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection.  Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt.  If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire.  Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away.  I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime.  In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him.  Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad.  When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids?  How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

Laundry Sucks

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Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch.  Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not.  The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within.  I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm.  I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them.  Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

  1. Get rid of the front loader/HE washer.  I admit front loader washing machines look cool.  They save on water.  They use less energy.  But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles.  I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs.  You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
  2. Work out your laundry schedule.  Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day.  Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering.  You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house.  Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.  Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry.  Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours.  Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
  3. Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Teach your kids how to care for clothes.  Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again.  Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try.  Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin.  Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.

  4. Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad.  You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud.  In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
  5. Wash towels and rugs separately.  Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes.  I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes.  I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
  6. Bring your kids into the experience.  If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry.  Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time.  They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers.  Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry?  Any tips you can share?